A world descending in to what…?

I’ve been reading ods tonight. Usually that leaves me sort of elevated, but tonight it’s got me depressed. I’ve been on the net for years and years now. As a matter of fact I was a beta tester for my isp. When I first got in I reacted like a kid, running to all the porno sites, etc. Next, I downloaded MIRC and spent hours and hours in the Undernet. I had so much cybersex I thought I was in candyland. All the while my husband knew all about it and had no problem with it because it got me stirred up and ready to go. During the time I was “cybering” I also made some friends… both male and female. I even had some emotional attachments to some of the males… strong emotional attachments, but all along I knew that this is a world of fantasy and projection. It’s so easy to project onto somebody the things you want to see.

I also knew that it’s difficult for marriage to weather the day to day wear and tear of kids, bills, and reality. At the time I remember saying that every person should have two significant others in their lives… one person to be married with and pair with for life who really knows you and puts up with you and will grow old with you, and another one who is a lover and only sees you at your best, a person you can fool with that good side that you can put up for awhile but is not the full picture. A lover can meet you in a hotel for a few hours in the afternoon and you can be the person you want to be and they’ll believe you are that person because that’s the only you they see. Geez, I hope somebody somewhere is understanding this concept.

That “other person” was sort of what the internet was to me at the time. What my cyberfriends saw of me was really me… and some of it was deeper parts of me than I had ever shown before. In intimate conversations I told secrets I had never shared and it was therapeutic and healing to me. On the other hand, when I had a cold, my cyberfriends didn’t see my stringy hair and fist full of kleenex. My cyberfriends didn’t have to bring me tea. My cyberfriends didn’t have to listen to my whining about how rotten I felt or endure my crabbiness and frustration with not feeling better faster.

What this all boils down to is that marriage is something that is so much more substantial than cyber. It’s great to have the passion and romance of infatuation. And it’s fun to have an online lover that you look forward to chatting with. It makes your eyes sparkle, puts a bounce in your step, gets some of those hormones flowing. But it’s like being in a movie or a book. There is no substance there. It FEELS like substance… but it’s not.

And here I find all these diaries of people who have these online relationships while they’re still in marriages with other people. Sometimes the marriages are clearly bad and probably should have been ended years ago. Other times the person claims they’re “torn between two lovers.” And the worst are the ones that are staying in the marriage to make sure they won’t be alone if the cyber relationship doesn’t work out. That’s so selfish and cowardly.

I know I need to cut people some slack, but I had a first marriage too. That marriage was not healthy but we had a certain love for each other. Sexually, though, I didn’t feel satisfied. It wasn’t that he wasn’t ready all the time, there was something about his emotional love-making that didn’t work for me. I found myself in a string of affairs, over and over again I’d cheat. I let this go on for about a year then I realized I couldn’t do this to him and that this wasn’t the person I wanted to be.

Sure, I was scared to death about being alone. I had two little girls and had been married to my husband since I was eighteen. But I took whatever courage I could muster (combined with some naive stupidity) and I got out of the marriage and struck out a new life so that both he and I could find the right person for us.

I guess I can understand how people fall in love outside of their marriage. I don’t think all people understand what a flimsy bond the internet is in a relationship. But I know sometimes it can spawn truly good relationships too. I just feel saddened by all the people out there who are living a half-life on line and a fake life off line and, at the same time, cheating their mate out of the opportunity to do the same.

On the other hand, maybe their mate has an online diary too and is involved in the same sort of shadowy adultery.

Thanks to all of you who left encouraging feedback. I felt so much better after I read it. 19er… do you have a diary? An email? I really appreciate all the comments you have been leaving. They always seem to cheer me.

I finished the affidavit about my brother and faxed it over to the lawyer. They’ll draft it formally then I’ll look it over and sign it. I’m doubly determined after learning some new things yesterday…

You’ll have to go on to find out what… 😉