A Deleted Note

Okay, so I deleted my first note. I wasn’t going to do that, but this one was really really mean. I’m not quite sure what provoked the attack so it’s not even a skewed kind of fun to see it. Maybe my brother’s new wife stumbled accross my diary — just kidding (gallows humor). Anyway, I looked at that person’s diary and saw it was just started today and was somewhat nonsensical so figured it was just somebody careening around OD leaving mean notes for fun 🙁

Actually what I was going to write about was how great it was to toss your words out into the darkness then have these comments come back to you like fireworks brightening up your life and making you feel less lonely. Now I just feel icky and hurt which is really stupid because I don’t even know this person.

I made a rule to be honest in here, otherwise I’d just laugh it off and pretend I don’t even care — that’s how I handle other people’s meanness in my “real” life. But here, I might as well admit I feel singled out.

I’m sure this guy wrote in other diaries too, but somehow I end up feeling like it’s just me… there’s something wrong with me and that’s why out of over 140 thousand diaries, I got this mean note… especially on the last entry which was such a tough one and left a very raw nerve exposed.

I suppose I could make this a private diary, but one of the reasons I find this so therapeutic is that some people have such encouraging things to say and, even in the past when it has been negative, that was still encouraging me to grow and snap out of it when I indulge in the aging self-pity thing.

I’m really sensitive to that feeling of having something wrong with ME… out of all the people here and I think it goes back to being molested. (Shall I lie down on the analyst’s couch?) I think when you’re molested as a child you end up asking yourself, “What is wrong with ME that someone who loves me could do this to me.” And that question hangs with you all your life. Then if someone who loves you could do something awful, it comes as no surprise when someone who doesn’t love you whallops your feelings.

This entry wasn’t supposed to be anything like this. I have enough crap I’m trying to sort out and sort through. I feel like an adolescent getting so upset about this, but I guess somewhere inside me there is still an insecure adolescent quivering with fear of rejection.