Where the h*** is my Prozac!!!

ARGGGG I hate being off Prozac. It’s been so long since I’ve had to wrestle so heartily with my own foul state of mind. Today, again, I had my moments of enrage-ment. I see so much in myself that is despicable. I was tired and had to drive my son to drum lessons. I was hoping that one of my daughters would either go with me or would take him but neither seemed interested. I could feel myself get teary-eyed like a spoiled child. And part of me was whispering, “Hmmm… see, nobody cares about me… Here I am on my own again… life sucks,” and of course that all escalates into, “I’m ugly and fat, I’m too sensitive, I hate life, I hate everything, we’re sooo broke, we’ll going to be destitude… Hey!! look at that assh***le driver, I’m not going to let him cut in front of ME! Hey you!! F**k you, man. What a jerk… I hate all these other drivers. I can really understand road rage killers…” and so forth and so on, my mind spewing poison into my heart until my heart is so heavy I think I’ll die of depression. I dream that I’m like Carrie in the Stephen King book and that I can bust the other guy’s tires with the stab of my mind. I think about all the ways I don’t have my girls any more and feel deserted, old, unloved, as if my life is over.

I guess some of this is understandable. My closest daughter is married now. Sitting accross from the newlyweds yesterday as we ate lunch, I found myself thinking… “Gee, this means that HE will be closer to her than ME now.” There was such a sadness in my heart.

I know she loves me. She is such a wonderful daughter. I think she loves me about as much as any daughter could love a mom. She is so good to me. But I also know that it is the natural order of things that she should be closest to him. That’s how I am with my husband. I’m closer to my husband than I am to my daughters really. He knows more secrets than they do.

But I felt a weird sadness and jealousy when I heard them say, “Now we can relax since the wedding is over. We had so much fun just playing cards and sitting in bed talking. It’s been so long since we’ve done that.” And it hurt my heart to know that she’s sitting there laughing and sharing her soul with someone besides me.

Don’t misunderstand, I really wouldn’t want it any other way. This is the normal natural happy way things should be. But it still hurts to let go.

And this train of thought was just capped off by coming home and finding out that my older daughter has now found a full-time position as a legal assistant. This means she’ll be leaving the coffee shop by Monday. Here I have just transferred to her location (in part to work with her) and now she’s going to quit. Plus her baby will be at the sitters each day now so I might not see her as much, not to mention that if I watch her during the day it will be more like THEM doing ME the favor than the other way around and I, selfishly, liked it better when I got credit for doing something good.

So all these changes are hurting the little selfish peevish self-involved me inside and it’s difficult to keep that person from over-taking the nice person when I don’t have my prozac. I’m incredibly prone to self-pity and this awful rage/depression. I love the pleasant floatiness of personality that prozac gives you. I hate this miserable selfish loathing and rage that builds when my brain chemicals are all out of whack.

Why can’t I just be the person I want to be and not hurt so much so often?