Power and the gift of smiles…

I never did finish yesterday’s entry. When I’m not enraged, I wonder how I could have ever felt so strongly about the issues I was enraged about. When I AM enraged, I wonder how I could have put up with whatever the issue was all this time. Probably the appropriate response lies somewhere between those two extremes.

I’m sort of tired today. We babysat the granddaughter last night and had some friends over who have a baby about the same age. Our odd mix of ages here makes for some interesting socializing, but we’ve known everybody for so long that it doesn’t seem strange to anyone except when I start writing stuff in here. I can read how bizarre our age dynamic makes our lives sound. My husband became a 36 year old grandfather two years ago. Not many people can make that claim to fame. I started early with this parenting thing so I started early with grandparenting too by default. My girls were smart enough to wait to a more mature age when having kids (well, only one has had a child, but the one who just got married wants to wait and is already 24, so she’s just as smart.

Geez, I’m rambling and being boring too. That’s because I don’t have a particularly strong emotion to contend with at the moment… what a miracle. I had a somewhat emotional morning, but am kind of tired now so that tends to even me out (if not make me kind of depressed).

I’m writing this diary for myself, but it’s great to get comments from other people. You know it feels like you’re not alone in this world when that happens. Even when the people got mad at me… it hurt my feelings a little bit, but somehow through their reading the diary I feel more like I exsist. Should that scare me? Probably. Isn’t that like the ultimate in letting other people control your emotions? I mean shouldn’t I know I exsist without other people confirming that?

Long ago when I was first dating my husband, he and I took an LSD trip. It was my first, he was more experienced. The stuff was pretty strong and I remember a point in the trip where I didn’t know I exsisted exactly. There was a feeling that I was just a figment of one of his dreams and not a real person at all. I think back on that from time to time and wonder exactly how much power I turn over to other people in my daily living.

I work at a coffee shop and when the customers come in they can really make my day. When someone notices that I’m cheerful and friendly, it really makes my mood go up. I love it when people smile and when I can please them. I wouldn’t exactly put it that way to folks I know face to face, but in my heart I know that’s what it is… I like to please. But, on the other hand, if they don’t seem pleased, I feel my mind swinging around. Maybe I’ll feel challenged (the best reaction) and work even harder to please them and, if I can’t, then I just chalk it up to them having a problem and move on. Sometimes,though, I end up feeling bad then angry.

(If you’re not too bored, continue on to part II.)