What is skin deep???

I had dinner out with a friend tonight. She was a little late so I sat and watched people as I waited. I love looking at people, they are so cool. Anyway, I got to thinking about the people who have written notes about my judging others by their appearance. My first instinct was to agree with them of course. It’s a terrible trait, but it’s my trait to try to deal with and I just have to admit it and work on it. On the other hand, what we wear and how we look is our message to the world.

I mean, why do you think we have “Entry Titles” on each of our diary entries? The entry titles are sort of like the clothes and make up that each of our entries wear. If someone has a catchy entry title, we’re liable to click in to read what they wrote. Sometimes we’ll be disappointed, but sometimes the entry will live up to the promis of the title.

I saw a woman who was probably in her late 60s or early 70s. She was slim and dressed well. Her hair had that beauty shop groomed look, if slept on a time or two then recombed. All-in-all one would have found her a pretty typical senior citizen except she was wearing very heavy eye make-up. Her eyes were laden with blue shadow, thick liner, and lots of black mascara. She also had blushed her cheeks very obviously… not like your typical old lady withn the round rough cheeks, but more like a model with the highlighted cheek bones. The whole make up thing was terribly incongruous with her age and dress.

That’s when I thought about the messages we send with our looks. I wondered what message she was trying to send. Then I attempted to figure out what message I was getting. I still am not sure what I “received.” She was dressed too well and carried herself too well to be thought of as “slutty.” And her clothing was too age-appropriate to think of her as a woman trying to pretend she was still young. The only thing I could think is that she was pretty much a typical woman of her age, but just didn’t realize the make-up was a little much for the rest of her “look.”

This got me to looking at other people and trying to figure out their message, then, of course, trying to think of the message I was sending out with my dress and make up.

My mom once told me she was out with a boyfriend (just recently) and he looked over at a well-dressed elderly woman and said, “Now there’s one that didn’t give up.” I have a feeling that, for the most part, I dress like one of the ones who gave up. I feel so unappealing and unsexy that I don’t bother to do much to enhance whatever I might have left.

At my daughter’s wedding, my husband’s friends kept coming up to me and telling me how beautiful I looked. I thought they were being polite until I heard that from about the third person, then I began to wonder, “Could I possibly really look good??” I didn’t believe it for a minute. I AM older, I AM overweight, my hair is not long, I AM short. But these people that have known me for so long thought I looked good. It must be because I look so bad the rest of the time. But it also must be because people don’t always see me (or those around them) the way I see myself and others. Just because I would never find myself attractive doesn’t mean no one else would.

I have found more and more over the past few years that many people see what shines through your skin and body and not just what covers your frame. So many times, myself, I’ve met someone I thought was spectacular looking only to see them fade into ordinary or worse once I got to know them. Conversely, I’ve met so many people I’ve found unattractive only to discover that, once I know them, they are absolutely beautiful to me and I wouldn’t want them any other way than they are. I just wish I could do that for myself. I know a lot of why I end up sexually deadened is because I judge my looks so harshly that I feel ashamed (again) and assume that no one, not even my husband, could find me a sexual being. In the “old days” I used to be able to fix up enough to find myself somewhat alluring when I looked in the mirror and stood just right. Now there seems to be no trick, nothing I can do, to make myself believe I have any appeal to anybody.

I’ve driven around with my girls before and guys have honked at us and waved, even seeming to flirt with me. The girls have teased me and said, “That guy in the white car wanted you, Mom.” And, true, the person may have been meeting my eyes and smiling, etc. But, inside, I can never believe that is true. I’m sure I’m just presuming and that they just want to look past the old fat woman so they can see the babe on the other side.

I need to figure out what message I want to send, then I need to actively pursue the way to send it (without spending money on a whole new wardrobe). Well, that should be easy, shouldn’t it? 😉