September 9, 2000

Stirring things up (2)…

Of course, this takes me in a big circle back to my very first entry when I wondered what is normal and what is not normal in sex. Being a sexual woman seems so at odds with being a Christian woman. I keep seeing Christian sex as this thing that’s all hearts and flowers and you gaze into your husband’s eyes and say, “I love you so deeply, dear,” while you have an orgasm and are permanently bonded with him. I don’t in any way want to make this sound derogatory. That kind of innocent and sweet love is what I’ve always thought to be the highest of human intimacy. But, this picture I have created doesn’t include sweat and stickiness. It doesn’t include that pinch of aggression that so turns me on. It doesn’t include that consumed feeling that curls your toes when you spread your legs and groan. And it certainly doesn’t include my little fantasies of sharing my husband with another woman!

And maybe it’s true that I will never ever really do it, and that I would be really hurt if we ever lived that fantasy. But on the other hand, it’s very titilating (did I spell that right? Why don’t we have spell checkers in here?), the whole concept is enough to make me a willing wife right away. If I try to stay in that good Christian woman mode, I can make love, but I just can’t well… I don’t want to get booted for XXX-rated stuff… but I just can’t have an orgasm. The fact is, I need to feel a little “dirty” to feel very passionate.

I suppose the ultimate key to this is that I was molested as a child. But that’s for another entry. I just can’t go into it now. Again… these are the things that an anonymous, but open diary is all about. Telling the truth… ugly or beautiful, it’s still the truth. I don’t like some of it, but I want to make a better truth for myself.

We all make judgements. I judged the women at the club, and some of you judged me. That’s how we are as humans. I’m glad I stirred up some stuff, though, because it makes me keep thinking and it helps me to feel less like a stranger in this confusing world.

Simple Sincerity

September 11, 2000

I was molested while younger also and I find sex something very hard to deal with….Thank you for the note, but no I didn’t write the Def. of Friend. It is a lovely paragraph though.

Keep writing–

having been violated in any sense can influence your notions of personal pleasure, what you have a right to and what is and isn’t ok to feel.

thanks for your notes Eryssa. I guess you could tell I was abused cause you were too. I wish we could be doing the girl talk thing so you could wack me with that pillow, sometimes I think that’s what I need 🙂