Don’t Want It All

It wasn’t a date with that girl. I thought it was. It seemed like it. We met for tea. I chose a four-person table. She sat at the seat next to me instead of across. We hugged "hello". We talked about personal things. We went back to the apartment. Had food. We laid in the same bed together until we talked enough to fall asleep. I made her breakfast. And nothing. Nothing happened. I thought about it all morning once I got back to the dorm. And I decided, in an idea of emotion, to tell her how I feel. I wrote it in a letter, asking her on a date. I ran to the grocery store and bought flowers before hopping on a bus that went downtown. I ended up sitting in front of some guy who talked to himself the entire time. I finally got there, ran blocks to the museum until I finally got there. She was at the front desk. I walked in, shaking. She smiled at me and asked what I was doing there, and I presented the flowers and the letter. Then I went into the museum.

She was on her lunch break when I got done. We talked. She told me she just wants to be friends, and that she had no idea I liked her. I told her nothing would change or be weird after. Then I left. The bus ride back was more depressing than I thought it was going to be. 

We were supposed to meet up on Thursday, but she cancelled at the last minute. We haven’t talked since. 

H got engaged. What a fucking idiot. Everything she’s done in the past 8 months of being in that relationship has been a gaping lack of common sense and that wanting of pretending to be an adult when she’s clearly far from it. I was the first to know, and I don’t think she’s happy with me due to my lack of excitement on the subject. Since then, she’s been acting weird around me. In fact, we talked one night after I told her about what happened with my "date", and she told me that sometimes people just end up alone and that there’s a good chance there’s not someone out there. I told her what I look for in someone, and she asked me what made me think that I was going to find someone like that, and that there are perks to being single and I should get over it. 

Thursday night I ended up getting piss drunk with my friend. Like, completely fucked. The latter half of the evening ended with me vomiting profusely into a cup. The numb, dizzying feeling was perfect, and I wish I could get just that without my body hating the ever loving hell out of me.

I’ve been agitated since. Sometimes I get sad. I’m just angry half the fucking time. Then I want to cry. I wish someone would travel half way across the city with flowers and a love letter to give to me. I wish I had that. I don’t want to live in a stupid fucking expensive house with someone or want to marry someone. I just want the companionship. I want someone to understand me on an intimate level. I want someone to not judge. And I can’t seem to find that, and when I do, it lasts but days. That girl is perfect in every single way. She’s like H^2. But she wants to be friends. H told me that there are plenty of fish in the sea. I told her there aren’t. Not ones that get and understand me. She told me that sometimes we have to give up our high standards for people. Yeah, like you did? I guess if you fuck an asshole, you slowly become one.

Ugh.