Caring

 I’m too tired for this. Everything feels worse when I’m tired, but I don’t want to go to bed. I failed another class. I’m an idiot. I’m not sure if I’ll have enough financial aid left for the fall. I don’t know. I don’t even feel like writing this. I’ve been so frustrated at everyone and everything lately. I’m not as happy as I should be. I’m addicted to being down in Tampa, but there are people there. And I seem to feel worse after going than I do when I’m by myself. I also feel like I’m trading drinking for cutting. Every night I was in Tampa I drank until I was practically drunk. Seven months now no cutting. But I feel like I’m starting to trade vices.

I was there for the entire week. And the boy never responded back to my being in town. Then, Friday night, my friend told me he was at the same party. He said he missed me. He told my friend that. Apparently he had texted back, but I never received it because my phone’s a piece of shit. It was three in the morning, and I told him I was willing to run over to his place to see him. He told me "no". He thought I wanted sex, but I didn’t. I wanted to see him. He fell asleep, and I got frustrated, so I texted back "I’m in love with you, fucktard." He apparently is not a big fan of the name "fucktard", to which I responded, that I was a passionate moment. I clarified that I didn’t want sex. He said okay. And that was it. I tried to tell him more stuff, like I’d like to be on the same page and shit, but he never responded back. 

Tonight I sent him a lengthy message wanting to know what his intentions are. What he wants. That I want to be on that same page. That I want to know if I should just walk away. That I want to know what his preferred medium of communication is. I’ve yet to hear back. I don’t think I will.

I care too much. That’s my problem. I care too much about people that mean something to me. It’s also why I can never just have a one night stand. But I wish I could be one of those people who is self-absorbed and doesn’t care about other people’s feelings and what-not. I’d have people all over me all the time. But no. I care. And because I care, I’m alone. Meanwhile, these fucking self-absorbed assholes get to have people. I care too much, and I get shit on. By everyone. People like to fuck with me. They like to lead me on like I’m some lost puppy. 

I don’t want someone just for the hell of it. I know not much will change. I know it’s not the key to my happiness. But to have someone who understands me, that would mean something. Someone who doesn’t judge or treat me like shit. Someone who also cares. Someone who won’t leave. Someone who’d also end up becoming my muse. I’d like that.

I have way too high expectations.