Boys

 The semester’s ended, and I feel lost. I’ve been sick for the past two weeks. I’ve just stayed in my house and done nothing. Gone to work a couple of times. I finally left the house today to meet up with my friend. We went down to Tampa to film a sketch with another good friend of mine. It was nice to do something down there again. I feel like I’ve given up my life otherwise. Mostly everything I know is down there now. Everyone.

That boy is still around. Things were/still are kind of weird. I don’t know. We slept together that one night, then we kind of hung around each other for a week. Then he got into a fucking relationship with someone right when I asked him on a date. That relationship lasted a week, when they left, then we somehow ended up back together. I spent the week of finals at his apartment sleeping over. And it felt right. It felt like there was a connection. And then the semester ended, and I had to go home. I left him a letter before I left telling him that just because the semester’s over doesn’t mean the connection does, and that I’d like to get to know him more, and how I’ve appreciated spending the week with him, and how I continually think about his eyes and the way he smells and that coy playfulness he attributes all the time. He sent me a text a few days later saying that he thought the letter was really lovely.

I got to see him again today. Happenstance. I didn’t know he was going to be home. But he was, and he came out of his bedroom when I went to use the bathroom, and we smiled at each other. He told me he had missed me. Then we kissed for a few moments before he raced upstairs to see what was going on. After I finished filming with my friends in the living room, we decided to go out to eat, so I raced downstairs and coaxed him into coming with us. And I’m glad he did. And we sat next to each other, nudging or poking each other every so often. Then we got ice cream, where he didn’t want anything so I bought him a friggin pint. When we got back, we got out of the car and hugged, and he kissed me on the cheek and said "thank you". I told him it wouldn’t be long until I’d see him again.

All of this has happened because one night I jokingly said I’d fuck him if he was unsuccessful with finding someone to fuck. And we ended up fucking. And I feel as if I’m going to end up disappointed again. Deflated, like always. But I feel joyous. I’m glad everything’s happened. I feel like something could happen between us, but I couldn’t ask him to wait. That’s way too egotistical and narcissistic of me. I could never. But in a way I kind of hope he does. I hope he takes the time to reflect on past relationships, seeing as it seems he just jumps from one to the next. I hope I can see him again soon. Really soon. And I hope it can happen often so it seems like something can occur naturally between us. 

I don’t know. I don’t want to feel happy. I don’t want to feel hopeful. I feel like I’m setting myself up for disappointment.

And I know everything that’s happened in these past few months has just made me seem like a whore. I never meant for it to be that way. I just wanted to emulate the actions of a certain person to see what the fascination and "turn-on" was all about. I just wanted to find a connection with someone. I wanted to feel whole. But while doing all of this, and all these people, I found self-confidence I didn’t know I had. It’s all led me here. To this one person. And while I feel I’m singling him out and making it seem like this is the person, it may not be. It probably won’t be. But I feel myself falling, day after day. And I’m continually having dreams about him. I think my sub-conscious is trying to tell me something.

I wish I had the power to read the future, at times like these. Just so I know it’s safe to fall, or I should retreat immediately. I know I should just throw it all out there, as I have been trying to do, but it gets harder with every rejection. It gets harder knowing that happiness is fleeting, and I may not see it again for a long while.