Self-tan Nightmare

Well, I tried to come up with a witty pun for a title, but I couldn’t so I went for the direct approach instead.

I decided it was time, given that my gym time is paying off (the hint of pecs and biceps emerging from the flab), to colour myself up. I am desperately pale, as I never really go in the sun (such as it is around here), and it has been annoying me for a while. I have intended for some time to get a full body spray tan which they offer at the gym, but only when I feel confident enough to stand in front of the person who does it in my underwear; in the meantime, I will do it myself.

So, I bathed yesterday, used a delicious Sicilian lemon self-heating salt scrub to exfoliate my body (something I never do, as I only suffer from dry skin on my face), as advised by whichever magazine I read recently on the subject, and then moisturised all over. I then applied my "no streaks" mousse, which was thankfully on offer at Tesco, though still fairly expensive. It was a complete disaster, as is now apparent.

It is streaky, orange, patchy (especially where I have hair, such as my shins), and has stained my bedding. Everything a modern tanning product should not do, it has done. I’m now going to have to scrub myself before I can even go to the gym – just so I don’t look like a freak. I’m so glad I didn’t use the facial spray I bought – at least I won’t look like an oompah-loompah.

What’s a boy to do?