New Year’s Revolution

Well,

I’m back, finally, and aside from jet-lag, everything is great. Actually, it’s hit me pretty hard, mostly a combination of a really bad night Wednesday, followed by absolutely no sleep on the night flight Thursday. So I went to bed Friday morning and slept until mid-afternoon, and then went to bed at ten and woke up this morning at three. I guess it’ll pass, but it just means this weekend’s gonna be screwy.

Tonight I’m going for Japanese to celebrate Tom’s birthday. I love Japanese food, and have eaten some almost every day in NY, so I was sold on the idea when he told me before I went away. Apparently (well, according to Dax, whose opinions aren’t always unbiased) there was some dispute, but it seems Tom has stamped his authority – and quite right too. It’s his birthday, so his choice, and if people don’t like it, they don’t have to attend.

I feel changed by the last two weeks. I needed to break a dangerous cycle I got into, and it’s worked. I know a lot of people start the year with good intentions, but this is hardly a seasonal variation. I don’t know exactly what it was I saw or experienced, but my life has changed course. I feel like embracing the future now, not fearing it. I am still nostalgic, but that’s fine – so long as it doesn’t get in the way of now. I know more about what I want to be, and how I want to live. I am no longer in a position of feeling like my life has passed me by, and left me somewhere strange. I feel like there’s so much potential, so many great things I love doing, and things I want to try, and there’s no reason why I shouldn’t.

I also feel, with regard to alcohol, that although I like drinking, and enjoy some of its effects, I had become dependent on it for the wrong reasons. Feeling shy and self-critical, I used alcohol to loosen-up, and help me meet new people. I knew that already, and there’s nothing wrong with it in itself, but I reached the point where alcohol was doing more harm (to friendships, relationships and potential relationships) that it was more of a problem than a solution.

In the same vein, I feel somewhat cleansed of my problematic ties with Clive, Michael, and even Kev. Admittedly, they are a disparate bunch, but there’s no point in living in the past. Michael, for instance – who has replied to my message, tentatively – I enjoyed his company and found him fun and interesting to be with. Everything else (the angst, the issues) were mine alone, they were the children of my neuroses, and since I feel sundered from these psychological issues, I need not fear talking to him again. It’s all been so silly – I knew that already, too – and now it’s done. I had a flair for melodrama, but it was turning into real drama; a mental game that threatened to push real life out of the way. Now it’s over. Now I have so many things to do, and enjoy.

It’s not all finished. It’s not a done deal. I am not so naive. I have to work at this, to keep the fire in me alight. I will. I can. The finite nature of life has frightened me before, but I let that fear control me, paralyse me. There is another way. I know about enjoying every moment, and corny though it may sound, it’s true. Absolutely. Life isn’t a joke, it’s serious. All the more reason to live it.