Reflection

I went to church on Thursday night with my dad, stepmom and Joe and the kids. My dad has known for years that I don’t believe in God, but he is getting older and I assume he wants to try to get me to change my beliefs. I understand where he’s coming from, Joe was the same way with me for the first few years of our relationship– (“if you don’t believe in God, then I’m scared we won’t be together forever”)–but thus far, I can’t just magically change what I feel. I went to appease my dad, but I ended up having a great time.

The church service was actually very moving. Though I still can’t say I believe in God, I do wish I was part of a church for the community. Generally speaking, Christians are selfless, caring, inspirational people. I appreciate their kindness and wish I could adopt more of that into my life. I’ve always been the cynic and the pessimist, and over the last eight years I’ve been trying to let go of the hate and negativity that my brain housed for years. Overall, I feel like I’m improving.

The service was a ‘musical and artistic’ service which was very impressive. I’m used to the traditional hymnal with a lot of elderly people singing out of tune with a pastor who goes on and on straight from the text. This was the exact opposite. The songs were catchy, my daughter sang along to the words on the screen, and her voice was so sweet. As I sat in the pew holding my sleeping son, watching my husband and children, I cried. It was a beautiful moment and incredible time of reflection. I’m always complaining about something or another, and this brief moment in time reminded me that life is precious and I need to remember to enjoy what I already have and stop always seeking out something else.

My addictive personality draws me to new, more exciting things all the time, but I really just need to slow down and take it all in.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to attend church regularly, but I think I’ve found one that I can find myself enjoying.