snow of the wee sma’s

It’s 2:40 am.  I only noticed 10 minutes ago that the promised snowfall had finally come.  I paused in my obsessive, list-driven cleaning, to admire the motes of water crystals appearing and disappearing as they fell into and out of the streetlight’s path.

My week of insanely late nights is ill-timed with my convalescence from that flu/cold/thing I had.  I suspect that my persistent cough is actually dust-related – because I have been disturbing corners of my apartment that I haven’t looked at in months, and in some cases, years … and because my cough is always worse at home.  I can go to work still, making sure to have my tea at hand in case the tickle starts in my throat.  And sometimes my voice sounds a little tired by the end of the day.  But last night, at around 3 am, I started to WHEEZE in bed.  I wondered if that’s what asthma felt like.

So: the nebulizer is going with eucalyptus oil and I’m drinking mounds of water.  I’ve vacuumed each surface as I declutter it.  I feel more and more SANE tonight.

I went to Vespers after work tonight, feeling kind of panicky and disconnected.  I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t felt like anything other than a teaching/working machine.  I’ve watched myself deteriorate, in dismay.  After Vespers, Father M. responded to my barely-suppressed coughs by bringing some holy oil over from the altar and saying the prayers for healing over me.  I’m not sure I’ve ever had that happen to me before.  I never think to ask.  It seems like colds or coughs don’t "deserve" it – now where do I get that idea from?

I stayed to have confession, not knowing what to expect.  It’s been a while since I went for confession actually feeling a bit afraid of what I might hear from Father M.  Usually I go just for a "checkup" as if I’m going to the dentist but feel quite confident that I don’t have any surprise cavities.  Oddly enough, tonight, after I spewed out what I had to say, I don’t think he really said anything except summarize what I’d said, as if just letting me know I had been heard.  And after I knelt and got absolution, I guess one would call it, I stood up feeling integrated again.  As if all those bits of Music Shivers flitting and fretting all over the world had been gathered together in harmony.  It wasn’t an emotional feeling, just to clarify, if I can … perhaps I would say I "sensed" myself being integrated again.

Went home and started on my big list, to the accompaniment of AccuHolidays.  Now it’s 3 am.  I have managed a lot.  Not all, but I knew I wouldn’t get it all tonight.  Every night, there is less to catch up on.  The end is in sight!

I’m glad I got to see the snow (my forehead still feeling shiny with the oil).  I did a little stitching with my Oma’s crochet hook (making an afghan for L).  We commemorated a saint tonight whose name is also Oma’s name.  I lit up inside when I heard it.  And in fact, tonight I feel like Oma is very present.  I know she had many late, sleepless nights, when duty or love pressed her past her own wishes.  I have nothing like her burdens.

Good night everyone.  Er, good morning.  😀  How are you all?  I hope you all have moments of unexpected integration.  (Wow, that sounds kind of ugly for what I mean.  😀 )