Emma, tea, and possible cupcakes.

And revisiting OD.

It sure has been a long time … again.  😀

This week, something sort of clicked inside myself and I realized: I am about to get very ill.  I am about to have a breakdown of some sort, if I don’t acknowledge that part of my paradigm sucks.  The physical manifestation of this is intense reflux and a cold (and I have been almost reflux-free in 2010!).  This is accompanied by constant self-criticism even though I try to act cheery.  I’m not sure what triggered this, and it doesn’t really matter.  I have to lighten up.  I have to laugh at myself and my panic when one of my 36 private piano students decides they need to switch teachers for scheduling purposes.  I’m still doing way better than I’ve ever done in my life, financially, and sometimes scheduling reasons are just scheduling reasons; it’s not the first death knell pointing to how I’m "losing" it as a teacher.

My response has been to cancel most of this week’s lessons.  Ignoring my panic about how little my next paycheque will look to me (boy I have gotten spoiled!), I’m doing things like cooking, cleaning, sleeping huge big gulps of sleep on my couch, drinking tea, and doing tiny little life-affirming actions that help me feel more sane.

I need to back away from the "sin of boredom," as one person put it – to feel abundant and fulfilled even if breakfast is always just a cup of oatmeal, just something to get me going – to not secretly wish I could order all those little Orthodork knick-knacks like beautiful holy water vessels or St. So-and-so’s prayers (as if buying more stuff will help me pray better!) – to see all the new products roll in for the Christmas season at my part-time job at the aromatherapy store (yes, I got a part-time job too, just for fun!), without feeling as if I’ll somehow lose out if I don’t get them all too (I don’t NEED any of them).  I need to get back to basics.  Soups, frozen for lunches, bubbling on the stove happily – one beeswax votive lit in front of the icons, not a whole army of them – gym in the mornings – messages checked and returned by 7 pm or 10 am the next morning – bedtime rituals not skipped.

It’s interesting to me that I haven’t really wanted to document the latest in the saga of "Will or won’t Music Shivers figure out this relationship thing?"  But for anyone who pops by and has a benevolent interest in this aspect of my life, I will summarize briefly: I started hanging out with someone in the summer who is an intriguing treasure chest of interests and pursuits.  He is older than me by two months, chronologically speaking.  Otherwise our ages are all over the map, and not always in the same way.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been so sure in my life that someone I’ve liked is attracted to me and interested in me (and if that’s the case, that’s pretty sad, because I sometimes have doubts), but our talk has been mostly about how he’s maybe going away, possibly for two years, and it might not be the best time for him to pursue anything.  This sucks, but I have a funny feeling about this Christmas season and what might transpire.  I could be wrong.  And the nice thing is, it almost doesn’t matter.  I feel safe.  I feel, actually, like the recipient of much chivalry and respect.  This could just be a man teaching me, just when I’m ready, what it’s like to be treated like a lady worthy of pursuit.  If he leaves, there will be no hurt or regret left behind, only gratitude.  I sigh sometimes, but the truth is, it’s such a relief to feel that it’s not my job to make anything happen, but to trust him to lead me gently when the time comes.  I think some of my past experiences involved a lot of interior agonizing over whether or not I was doing the "right thing" to bring something to fruition.  I don’t feel like that now.

I forget which of my "real" friends had access to this diary, so if any of them are reading this, Ssssshhhh.  I don’t really want to talk about this a lot.  I want to hold my intent in my heart like a cup of still water.

For now, I’m going to crack open some Austen, and check online for a recipe that can use up some of those bananas I froze when they looked like they too ripe for my tastes … something cupcakey.  Maybe I’ll decorate them whimsically.  I need a bit of play.