just enough

*Insert obligatory statement about how I don’t write or note anywhere near often enough.

First for the good…

Work has improved pretty dramatically. Things started to feel better after the new year and have been since then. My boss is still a bitch, but he seems to really like my work and respect me now. I guess it just took him some time to realize I’m not fucking around. We recently went to New York and drove to Philly just him and I early one morning (awkward!) and he said that he, along with others, will be highly recommending me for a promotion this year. This will make only two years since my last promotion and will be huge for my career. The additional money will be great, obviously, but even better is that it will sort of put me in a new ballpark. It’s certainly not a done deal yet, but I’m feeling pretty good about it. 

P and I moved into our new house in March. Things with the sale of his condo ended up working out pretty well, although we lost a substantial chunk of money. And we ended up paying less than originally expected for the new place. It really is just gorgeous and so much bigger and just perfect for us for the next 10 years or so. The area we’re in is so much more urban and we’re able to walk to everything. It has also shortened my commute quite a bit. We’ve bought some new stuff, but I’m just really pretty clueless with decorating. My mind just doesn’t work in a creative way. We had blinds put on all the windows, but the thought of window treatments is nothing short of seriously overwhelming. Which is a great segway into the bad…

I’m really struggling with stress and anxiety. The process of planning a wedding (only about 2 1/2 months now!) is just as stressful, consuming, overwhelming and painful as I anticipated. Of course there have been fun parts- finding a dress, selecting cake, just all the excitement and peace about marrying someone so perfect for me- but the rest is just not my cup of tea. Just about everyone from my side is coming in from other state and has to be accomodated. And the financial aspect of it has been pretty staggering. My parents are contributing, but I have been so far removed from their financial situation for so long, I don’t really understand it and feel very uncomfortable accepting money from them. P’s mom is also helping and we’re paying for a portion of it. I don’t know, I guess the whole industry of it just sort of grosses me out. It shouldn’t, everyone has to make a living. 

The list of things to do and phone calls to make is absolutely never ending. And I certainly don’t have the kind of job that allows me to sit around planning my wedding. I’m just nervous out of my mind about the whole thing. People are so judgmental when it comes to weddings, myself included. I’m really trying not to focus on what’s not important, but it’s hard. P does not deserve that. I also feel this huge sense of responsibility to make it great for my parents, too. I get so overwhelmed by it that I completely shut down.

I also had a massive falling out with Anna in February as the result of her second pregnancy. It’s had a huge effect on me. I should write more about it privately. 

P has been wonderful throughout all of it and is my rock, but there’s sort of only so much he can do. The stress is manifesting in horrific physical fashions. I have acid reflux, indigestion, and chest pain almost all the time. I’ve seen doctors, had an upper endoscopy, and been on various medications with little to no relief. I seem to have strange pains all over my body. Every physical sensation I have I quickly conclude is cancer and will result in my imminent death. It sounds funny, but isn’t at all when you’re living with that mindset for months on end. On the plus side, losing weight for the wedding has been absolutely effortless. Ha. 

I don’t want to be this person. I want to be stronger, more resilient. I want to be the best I can be. Nothing is more imp

ortant to me that being a good wife to P and good to my family. I relented about a month ago and got on some anti-anxiety medication. It seems to be helping a bit, I think I might require a stronger dosage. I’ve had issues with anxiety on and off for years and have found being on medication short-term very effective on serval occasions. 

So I think P and I are going to start trying to have a baby right after the wedding. The whole biological clock thing is very real. I always knew I wanted children eventually, but since around the time I turned 30 that desire has really presented itself. I’m almost ready to steal someone else’s baby. 

Well that aught to do it for now. Hopefully I’ll be back sooner rather than later. I take so so much more from this place than I give. Reading and enjoying diaries is a huge part of my day. I hope someday soon I find the time and dedication to give a little more.