“I moved so far…”

"…that I knew exactly how far."

I am tending more and more toward casting out a huge net when applying for jobs. There are no jobs here, plus this master’s degree and Oregon teaching license gets my foot in the door in a lot of states. I hear Las Vegas area schools are actually hiring on the large scale. Same with Mississippi, but I don’t know that I could do Mississippi.

It’s just hard. M and I are alone, really, but we’d be so much more alone if I decided to move states. I wouldn’t have the logistical support of my parents. But then, my parents are a mess anyway. If I get my driver’s license this summer (sheesh, it’s really getting pathetic!) then, you know…I don’t know. I wouldn’t need the logistical support.

Right now, my mom drives me to work and M to daycare in the mornings and picks us up. And she takes us grocery-shopping when it’s raining or a two-bag trip won’t do the trick. If I could do those things, we’d be fine…or if I moved somewhere were you didn’t NEED to drive. But, I have the cutest little car sitting out there in the parking lot – I just need to "throw caution to the wind" and learn how to drive it.

And M likes my parents. He sees my mom most days, and my dad about twice a week. I don’t really want to take away all access to family.

But then, in some ways, sometimes, I do. My family is broken and screwy, and it hurts and annoys me pretty often. We have no holiday gatherings anymore, almost no one speaks to each other – my graduation from school is turning into the type of thing where you’d rather just have no one come than deal with all the drama and crap. I planned two parties for M’s first birthday. It’s only going to get worse as he grows up and really wants the people he loves to be there for things and doesn’t understand why they won’t all come.

And my dad’s wife – what a mess. The kind of mess you cross the street to avoid, even if you know her.

I never see my sisters or their kids. All my social interactions with friends happen on the phone or on facebook. I’d like to think it’ll be different once I’m out of school and less busy – but lets face it, if I moved, I wouldn’t be giving up too much.

But man, the stress! The stress of a new career, interviewing in other states, finding a new place to live in a place I don’t know, figuring out how to come up with the money involved in a move like that (of which I have none – gotta love student teaching!) and finding M a new school from afar. I think it’s probably too much trouble. But I am absolutely applying in Eugene, because it’s two hours away, but still "in the area," and I know it like the back of my hand. (And B lives there…and I love him…but that’s a terrible reason to move and is for another entry anyway.)

I am applying (today?) for two summer school teaching positions here. I will know if I’ve got those before I know if I have a permanent job for next year. They are each six weeks long and I guess they pay about $4000 each. Not bad. Getting those would make a move feel more feasible.