Accepted :)!’

 I made it! 

 
So I applied for a program with over 150 applicants and got the interview and today I got the call that I have been accepted!!!
 
So happy and excited! 
 
It’s a three day a week employment program that pays weekly and pays for transportation as well as meals on the days I am there! It’s for 12 weeks! Afterwards they have companies that they are associated with to hire you most likely! 🙂 score! 
 
It’s been two years since I have had prospects and am very excited to feel like I am moving forward with something that can benefit me and not cost money and is a decent amount of time for other things. I am in a better place since August when I was going to go to school. 
 
I feel much more motivated and clear and ready for work and learning and some routine! 
 
I start next week! So psyched! I hope it is good and I can really move froward get a good job. 
 
I feel blessed for the opportunity and cried because lately nothing seemed to be going right it was all dead ends. 
 
I have basically retired from my speaking job so this is my new venture. 
 
I facebook creeped my ex and saw he has a new gf now. One that I sort of knew about. Last time I saw him I snooped and saw a text from her he met her online. There was videos of him and her bowling and stuff and her wall was full of happy posts of him so "in love" to sad and upset when he would play his games. She is completely covered basically not that attractive and a lot heavier than me. She doesn’t seem very intelligent (can’t spell good) I feel mean saying this but it’s true. I am not jealous just amazed and think wow. I am seeing him play it out with someone else and it’s not like he’s treating her any better. I mean he did start seeing her a few months to a month before his wife called me and saying how he is so great. Before finding this out I felt worse because I thought I was the other woman and that he loved his wife more than me because I thought he went back to her. But pretty much he’s onto the next one and because I have found him out or he purposely did what he did there is no comming back from that. Poof. 
 
He’s doing all the things we did the bowling she’s using the names I used originally with him. He’s copying my style it’s weird. So fake. I feel bad for her in a way.
But I am relieved and I feel this new info while shocking is also freeing and I can see the truth through my own eyes not through the silence Nd lies of him and the people enabling him. I feel like I have more power and knowledge to move on more and see it for what it was. A con fake contrived desperate and stupid on his part. He can’t and won’t change. And With this new girl I am thinking because she is so heavily in the religion that she may take a more traditional view with him and put more into him than I did. (I still dated other guys on our breaks and in the relationship) I said no to a lot In the end because I realized what I won’t do for someone else no matter how attached I was to them. I can be proud of myself for not falling in too deep and really giving myself completely to him even when I only had just am inkling that I couldn’t trust him. I dodged a big bullet and I sort of think to myself most of it was bonding and conveinance for me mostly. I thought I loved him and cared but it was just fake on my part deep down. I just didn’t know it right away. Deep down I had a hard time trusting being completely faithful to him, doing nice things and all that because I was half in the relationship and half out as I am with all of my previous relationships basically. I have trouble committing and respecting them and trusting and I had good reasons for this deep down with these particular guys. 
 
The true test I guess for me is being with a guy who treats me well and a relationship that is non abusive and healthy. 
 
I have been talking to some guys on tinder here and there. It’s a pretty good app better so far than op for anywhere else because it hooks up to Facebook shows if you have mutual friends and interests and it’s very straightforward. No one can contact you that you don’t want to talk to because you both have to swipe yes to talk to each other so it cuts out that awkward one sidedness on both sides. You both can basically expect that you are at least physically attracted to each other and expect you will get a response. Most guys have been respectful talking and all that. But I am not looking yet to meet up with any of them right away or rush anything and if I do meet someone I want something casual. I am not ready for anything serious and not totally convinced I am ready to really even to date that much. I just do it because I get bored and lonely for now. 
 
So things are looking up I am feeling more at peace with myself than ever before. Happy with myself optimistic a bit anxious and unsure but I feel like I am on the right path. Getting away from scrub has opened me up fully to other opportunities people experiences. Released me from the depression somewhat but mostly gave me back and gave me back my peace of mind. 
 
I am not completely me yet as I am still recouperating and adjusting to the move getting over the flue and from scrub. But I am doing a good job. I am proud of myself. I feel better about myself stronger more powerful a lot wiser and smarter having come out of so much pain drama abuse and betrayal. It had truely made me a better person. He could not break me, he could not shake my inner core and soul though many have tried.
 
This time I feel like I have had many relationships similar to this one but I never saw completely under the mask or the other women. So I would often romanticize my exes And harbour and hold love for them still because I didn’t know the truth or I would find out after the breakup. 
This time I have learned what to watch out for, what men are capable that it’s often not personal. 
 
I have lost a lot of respect for each and every of my exes because as much as my ego gets kind of bruised when they cheat on me or dump me for another woman I realize that it’s not personal. Not personal with the girl now or me. And often the girls that my exes end up marrying, moving in with etc are often only choosen because they will put up with more than I will. I left almost all my relationships at the end. Maybe these new girls are less of a threat of leaving, maybe their self esteem is lower than mine and ultimately it’s that they haven’t really researched or admitted to themselves that they are being played conned and deceived that they are better than the treatment and the guy or maybe in some cases not. I ultimately as much as I think or feel strong feeling of attachment to some men don’t want settle give too much invest a lot in someone who is inconsistent someone I cannot trust someone who hurts me and a part of me realizes I can do better. Maybe that’s why some guys leave me too. I am a threat to their gamethey realize and see my potential and know that if they don’t leave me I will leave them In the end. Which is true. I will. 
 
I loose respect for these guys because I have standards. Sure they were losers but they lied and deceived a lot I thought I saw potential. So when I see them off with some next chick right away doing the same things i laugh in a way because it’s so contrived and desperate.
 
 
Anyways not too much just relaxing I am going to have to work on my sleeping patterns a bit. I hope that I can get more energy lately been sleeping through days it’s crazy. 
 
I was taking this supplements for energy/depression. They were expensive I took it for a month the health food store guy said within a month I should feel a difference and I haven’t really. I am also taking vitamin b and have bought St.Johns Wort for the seasonal depression. I haven’t started taking it yet but am going to. 
 
That’s all lately. 
 
Ciao