Info day
So I went to the info session today for this employment program.
It’s one I applied for and I got an interview for next week!!! I was waiting anxiously hoping that I got an interview and I did!!!’
Anyways the info session was this afternoon and I thought no problem I will get up in time. Lately my sleeping schedule has been off but the afternoon didn’t seem to be a big deal.
I set my alarm for 11:00 am or so and my alarm never went off or it did but my volume was turned down or something!!
I woke up suddenly at 1 pm!! So I took a cab and got there like two minutes late. But damn I was so stressed and pissed at first!
I am usually good at getting up for things that I really care about and want to do especially since it was for the afternoon!
I had this really weird dream that felt like a movie. I was in Italy with some old friends and talking about seeing Italian Guys.
But than it went to this weird scene about a murdered young child and a mother who was I guess mourning her child or something and I knew what was going to happen and was just watching or something. It was these cabins up north. Very strange. It really felt like a movie I was watching and I was very interested in what was happening. It was eerie though scary but I wasn’t scared. Than I just kind of woke up. If I didn’t have to go somewhere I would’ve liked to continue the dream.
I did something bad and I added my ex to skype. I did it by accident. And I had another name on there but my picture was me. A side profile pic anyways I checked it and he accepted two hours ago!! I am not going to say anything I don’t think. I feel like a fool! Why am I trying to talk to him after he cut me loose and treated me so badly??? But it just doesn’t feel done. Ugh I hate how I am angry yes but not as much as I should be. More hurt I guess wanting answers maybe even if it means it will hurt more maybe?? A part of me wants him to talk to me without his wife around to see what he says. But a part is like why fucking bother? He has too much fucking pride to apologize to admit what he did. He’ll prolly just bullshit me or hurt me more. Inadvertently his birthday is this week too. I am lately obsessing over him and still feeling the hurt a lot still. It’s been about a month or so no I know it’s going to take at least a good six months or so to really get distance from it all.
What can he really give me that I can’t give myself at this point? His inconsistency? Condescension? Abuse? Coldness? Silent treatment mixed with adoration empty promises opportunism and games. It kind of shows you in a way what a player he is most likely accepting my request if he didn’t know who I was with a girls name….
I guess I don’t miss him as much as I miss the good side of him and the companionship and attention
One thing about him is that he scares me. Maybe a huge part is that he never went full out psychopath on me. I know his capabilities but I never completely experienced it or saw it like I saw with some other guys who fit very well like him.
I also have to remind myself that it really isn’t him. He is a pattern he is a replicate of the original guy. The original ex. He’s not the first one who hurt me and who I wanted to get closure from he is someone that was picked unconsciously through a series of men who happened to fit the pattern and type of guy. The original guy lives around here. I have seen him and he "apologized" it’s kind of in a way done. The original abuser giving me some closure in some ways. I have no feelings anymore for my original abuser I’ve seen him like a month ago and I avoided him.
With all these guys there is no feelings left. Only a traumatic bond that I have come to realiZe will never fully go away completely . It will be there so I have to protect myself from it and try to learn "how to love" hopefully meet kind loving people and develop healthy relationships.
I find this nearly impossible and I wonder if it will ever really happen sometimes but I’m willing to wait and heal to find out.
Anyways I am not feeling good. I just started my period and the first few days can be killer to moderately annoying with cramps and all that.
It’s freezing cold out! Like seriously artic! I still have a cough as well and the cold seems to activate that badly!!
I just hope that I have a good chance in getting into that program. It seems like a great place to start building my life out. It’s too bad that there is only 14 spots and about 50 or so people attending the info session. I looked to be the youngest one there. I don’t know if that will help or hinder my chances or whatever or whether it will matter. They do want a variety of different people so i am assuming it will help? Who knows…
Luckily I am sick and not feeling well because otherwise I would be really really depressed not doing much and feeling stuck because of the weather as well.
Just been watching netflix and stuff. Mostly all the episodes of gossip girl. There’s a few seasons so it should keep me busy for now mindlessly while I recover and things start comming up.