The little things
The little things
In my life when things don’t go according to plan, I like to focus on the little things, the stubtle things the things that would otherwise be taken for granted.
The idea to move into my moms apt didn’t pan out. It may never pan out. I feel stuck at this place for now. I have to accept that for now. Accept that and see the good things for now. So I don’t drown in misery and bitterness.
The last thing I am looking forward to is seeing if I get granted an interview for the program I applied to. It’s 12 out of 150. Very slim pickings but I just made the deadline so I am prolly one of the last applicants so hopefully that will make me more fresh in their memory. My skills and aspirations are very relevant to their description. I think my essay was well written. So I am not over hyping myself for it but they start calling on Tuesday for interviews. So we will see….
But the little good things are there. The fact that I go to the food bank late but still am able to get a free bottle of Tide detergent when I was out helps.
The fact that my mom took me grocery shopping and gave me a credit card to use for things. ( mostly emergencies) makes me feel a bit more secure. That we are getting along for now.
The fact that I am not alone I have some supprt and the supprt and ppl that are in my life are there for me. Not fake or drama or causing me stress pain right now.
That I live in a nice apt and the area isn’t too bad. That it seems to have settled down a bit with the people who live here and some people are friendly and friendlier. So I don’t feel so scared, unsafe living here for now. I can make ends meet, I don’t have to worry so much about things.
I am more just sick and low energy and sad mostly.
I still am grieving O and his abandonment. I wish I could hate him completely and feel done w him but I don’t yet but that’s ok. I have come to the conclusion that I will never completely be over him and what he did to me. He’s left a mark on me a scar that I hope will get fainter and fainter in time. Maybe one day it will be more if a spec. He taught me a lot good and bad about relationships and I can’t unlearn any of it. Lessons were learned. I think about calling him but my pride and dignity gets in the way obviously. He hurt me, he did a bad thing to me. I sometimes wish he gave me an explanation but his betrayal was the explanation. It showed me who he was even though I still don’t wanna believe that is who he was. I try to say it’s not him but the harsh truth is that is who he is. Cold heartless and doesn’t share the values that I do. Ultimately I knew he was not the one but I wish the end didn’t have to hurt so badly and be so fucked up.
Anyways. I am looking for direction in my life. Purpose and vision, inspiration.
But for now I have to rest and recharge because I am not shape to do much which pisses me off ALOT!
But I have to accept that I’m still sick for now. 🙁