New Years resolution learn some basic math

 Suck ass New Years 

 
My New Year’s Eve sucked.
 
I regret going. 
 
I regret wanting to go so bad. 
 
My so called new friend is a bitch. 
 
After dinner she kept saying oh don’t force yourself to go if you don’t want to go you can always sell your ticket to serene (her other friend, who didn’t buy a ticket in advance) I just kind of gave her a look. 
 
I had already bought the ticket was dressed and ready to go, I also didn’t wanna wonder what I missed. 
 
Well it was a big crowd. Mostly early 20s it looked like mostly….. No cute guys. Mostly big groups of friends. 
Music sucked. 
 
Drinks overpriced. 9 dollars for a bottle of beer."Heated patio" my ass… 
 
Anyways me and my "friend" went to the washroom together and than I kind of drunk and not really thinking went outside for a smoke than tried looking for her when I found her she started yelling at me! Than when we left she just took off and didn’t even say goodbye to anyone else either! 
 
I texted her happy new year and sorry and whatever and she was still on me about not answering my phone (I’m in a club duh!) so stupid I said like I said sorry wasn’t thinking… 
 
She never responded. I was just kind of taken back really. I don’t know her that well for her to lash out at me for something like that. It’s not like I took off on her alone completely. Plus she didn’t seem that friendly the rest of the night anyways. 
 
So I am just leaving at that. Now I feel dumb for not like defending myself more maybe I mean especially since it’s just kind of way out of proportion. I kind of assumed she’d let it go. 
 
People these days…I had a similar situation with a former "friend" I met at these meet up things where we didn’t know each other well yet and early on they were picking fights with me confronting me about perceived slights. Pretty petty and childish really. 
 
I don’t get mad at someone unless I’ve know them better really. Waste of time to get mad at someone you are just starting to get to know. 
 
Damn. She seemed cool. But whatever…. 
 
Was my first new fucking friend in the city…
 
I could’ve gone and seen my old friend on nye maybe but whatever. 
 
People piss me off. Why do I have such bad luck finding normal down to earth nice people? I know I am not perfect but I am a reasonable ass person. 
 
An old friend of mine called me on New Year’s Eve to say happy New Years. She’s one I had a falling out with a few months back. She lashed out at me for asking her why she seemed distant to me lately and I lashed out and was the only one to apologize which she accepted but wasn’t able to do the same and never called me until now so about three months later. She said regardless of how things are it’s "tradition" I said happy nye back when I was drunk but now I wish I wouldn’t have said shit. 
 
I’m done w giving people chances. She especially had fucked me over many many times and when she lashed out at me it was a very detailed personal vicious attack. 
 
So two number deletions. 
 
I wish I could add some new people into my life. 
 
But I read today and it’s so true. That while it’s nice to want and think you should socialize and all that especially when going through a hard time it’s best not to of the people being you down, stress you out of its obligatory. If it’s unhealthy. Which is a good reminder. I know that but it was nice to see it written. 
 
As lonely as things can be of rather be alone safe stress free than questioning myself stressing myself fighting with someone taking on someone else’s energy… 
 
I need all that for myself!! 
 
In other news I applied for another three month program for woman who want to start their own fashion business using re cycled or re purposed clothing. It’s basically full time and includes a mentoring shadowing period as well. It’s free sounds good. I’ve always wanted to start my own business with my fashion stuff but I need guidance and mentorship with it. Half of it is business classes and half is the skills part! Sounds exciting! 
 
So two programs hopefully one of them works out!! 
 
Because that is my goal to get some type of training/employment going on for myself!!’ 
 
I’m still sick. My hacking cough is horrible! I might go to the walk In tomm. 🙁 still sick this is day 6 now. 🙁 
 
It’ll prolly last two weeks. 🙁 
 
I’m super emotional lately because my period is comming on soon! 🙁 
 
I was wondering why I was bawling a lot lately.
 
Just been in bed watching netflix gossip girl episodes. I used to read the books (which are Wayyy better btw!’) I just like binge watching tv series.
 
I also watched 9 1/2 weeks. It was pretty sexy at the end I didn’t expect to get turned on by it but I did! 
 
It was pretty good. Kind of reminded me of how me and O were, he was very controlling. I found his controlling ways very sexy a lot of the time because he was confident in what he wanted and knew what he wanted. Especially when it came to me and what he liked on me and all that. Certain dresses and shoes. He took care of me in a lot of ways. (Fed me,cooked for me, bring me stuff, buy me stuff, make the plans)
 
But in the end that’s why he was abusive because I didn’t always like him controlling me and when he couldn’t control me he would abuse me. That’s why people abuse I think because they can’t manipulate or sweet talk so they resort to verbal assaults threats, intimidation that type of thing. 
 
Like the woman in the movie I was slowly loosing my soul and heart to him and his sick games and desires. His mask fell off. 
 
Anyways I just sometimes hate how I am I bottle up so much anger and when people get mad it shocks and triggers me badly that the response I wish I had isn’t the one I have sometimes! 
 
It just activates this fight or flight or flee response in me. That’s intense. I rarely get really angry back right away. Mostly just taken back. 
 
New Years resolution:
Do some basic math 
Substrate some people into my life and add more people