Housekeeping

 House keeping 

 
So today I am going to do house keeping and clean up 
And cook a lasagna for the week to eat to save some money on dinner
 
I texted a girl I met and hung out with a few times. I hadn’t talked to her in awhile and maybe she isn’t busy tonight who knows? I’m in the mood to go out 
 
Plus I am going to start my speech for December that I am doing bullet points and start also a bio on me so I can start doing my own public speaking on my own down here and start charging an honourarium of 50-100 to speak. 
 
I am slowly comming out of my rut 
 
It was very hard to see my brother last night I spent most of the night crying because I was so shocked and upset. I had such nice dinner than it felt tainted by him being there as I left. 
 
O apparently gets back from NY today so who knows if I will hear from him. I am not completely ready to let go of him but I am getting close. It’s hard to let go of someone who u felt you could tell everything to to and they would support and understand you and be there for you. Who was there for you when you struggled and took care of you some what at your worst 
 
But I know long term that the longer I stay the worse and more stressful it will be. He takes advantage of me financially and it pisses me off I am not one if those people who are generous with their money esp not to guys I prefer it the other way around. I am old fashioned. 
 
I feel so isolated really. Since school
Never panned out it’s been hard really to meet people struggling w the depression and the desire not to want to really meet new people I don’t want it to be contrived you know? And I am picky now if who I hang with because I don’t wanna waste my time on people who will flake out dispoint me drain me emotionally since I really do not have a lot of patience and energy lately for
Bullshit. 
 
Being alone isn’t too bad lately. I am trying to figure out truely who I am and what I want without having to pretend or act a certain way for other people as we all do from time to time. 
 
I need to figure out who I am outside of what others expect it want me to be. Set my own standards for people and life. Regardless If it’s good enough for other people. It just has to be good enough for me. 
 
I feel so young still and this sometimes feels like this will just be a blip on my radar if life just the beginning of really forging my own identity and path. Really just being able to say fuck u all I’m doing me. Focusing on myself and if others wanna come along for the ride great. I live my life for me, I always have. I think it’s partly being the youngest I never had to really take care if anymore else really. Except my parents from time to time emotionally. :-/ 
 
But otherwise I’ve been alone most of my life fighting for my own life surviving making it out in the world. The best that I can.