Staying smoke free

 Being a non smoker 

 
I remeber my first puff of a cigarette. I was with my sister at an amusement park. My sister suddenly produced a cigarette and I knew than all the tell tale sign that I wasn’t sure about were true. 
 
The scented candle smell in the bathroom, her obvious denials and transparent lies and excuses. 
 
She wasn’t proud of smoking but I think she was exhausted of hiding it. 
 
She told me not to tell mom or dad. All I wanted at that moment was a cigarette too. To do something forbidden, something "cool", I looked up to my sister. I wanted to do what she was doing. I thought If she is doing it must not be too bad. 
 
At first she said no but eventually she caved in and let me have a drag. But as quickly as she gave it to me she immediately took it back and scolded me for wanting more. 
 
I didn’t cough or sputter-YET. I. Already loved smoking. Not the actual nicotine but the act and the image I thought it would give me. 
 
So than began the hiding out to sneak a puff at home. Going to the craziest lengths to hide my habit from every one. Walking miles away so no one could see me and looking back everytime a car came behind me  the anxiety was horrible I would mistakenly drop the cigarette many times thinking it was my parents or a family friend. And even with strangers and continue walking until their car was out of sight than run back and pick the cigarette back up. 
 
As horrible and incoveinant and anxiety producing it was to smoke. I thought of it as my best friend. When others let me down. I thought I could could go to my pack of cigarettes and light one up or buy some and I felt complete-for a little while.
 
It became more of a frienemy than anything else after awhile. 
 
It shared in the good times, gave a false illusion of supprt in the bad whole just causing more stress and issues. 
 
I have quit for technically five months now with a few cigarettes here and there. And I miss smoking like crazy sometimes. 
 
I miss the idea that it made things all better. The idea that it solved problems. That it gave me something to obsess about, plan around, look forward to. 
 
I still think about buying a pack. But thankfully so far that idea has been quickly dismissed and forgotten about lately. 
 
This is probably my fifth quit. The longest lasting a year. 
 
It’s funny how the mind can play tricks on us. Convince us things weren’t that bad, and indealize and glorify something that ultimately will or will aid in killing us. Not even physically but emotionally crippling us. 
 
We forget why we quit in the first place. How hard the first few weeks were, the guilt and shame we felt about doing it. The envy of others who quit or never started. The denial and excuses we used so we could continue smoking. 
 
I write this because I am going through a tough time with life and the past few days I have been having thoughts that buying a pack is a solution or a good way to cope with the stress or pain. 
 
I have minimized the pride as strength that it took to quit and that ultimately I want to stay quit. I no longer want to be a smoker or smoke. I no longer wanna keep the illusion that smoking is beneficial in any way. 
 
I hated smoking. Everytime I smoked I felt something inside me die. I felt like I was betraying myself. It was never who I was or what I wanted to be doing. As a teen at 15 starting I didn’t really really know what I was getting myself into but as I got older I realized that smoking is like enslavement. Enslavement of the mind. It wears down your body and mind and puts money into tabacco CEOs pockets. 
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I can’t stand the smell now as much as I crave it still. I long for something I hate and its fusterating at times and confusing. 
 
I feel betrayed by my habit and hurt but ultimately I realized that the best way to avoid the trap is to continue refusing to smoke. That it is my choice and if I teeter totter on the edge with puffs or drags I will just go back to the habit. 
 
For me there is no causal smoking or causal relationship with smoking. I was attached to it and it hated me and manipulated me. The best way to stop that agonizing dance is to refuse to play its games. 
 
So I guess I wrote this to re affirm my decision to stay smoke free for life this time. To stop rationalizing the addiction. Making excuses for it 
 
So eventually I can do the same for other unhealthy things in my life. 
 
Recognize that I am ultimately smarter and stronger than any addiction and the only way to break the addiction and its pain is to avoid them all Together.