This has to be the end
This is the end
I really hope this is the end with O, for fucks sake it has to be. I think I literally have forgotten how bad it was. The pain he put me through and how hard I tried to make it better and love him and care for him and how he just acted childish and bull headed and how many times I said it was the end. Of course it would be annoying to anyone close to me to hear me berate him than praise him. But I think I have literally forget the bad things he’s done.
I read about this thing called traumatic bonding. It’s when two people bond through trauma and traumatic things. It is nothing really healthy or real but just this attachment formed out of choas and trauma and abusive upbringings. Both of us came from fucked up families. He won’t tell me completely what happened to him but I know he was sexually abused as a child though he obviously goes from it was consensual and cool to I know it was wrong. I think it happened more than once like he told me and I think his upbringing was really crazy. And it’s messed him up and now he’s gone crazy a bit. The things he says sometimes are really scary.
His upbringing isn’t an excuse though For his bad behaviour but is DEFINATELY a reason for the insanity in his behaviour.
I am not perfect I haven’t left but I’m trying to sort out my past and abuse because I know the things that I am doing are not healthy or functional either. If I was more healed I would have left a long time ago.
I know I deserve better. I know that it’s abusive. I know its scary. I know it will just get worse.
But I haven’t left because its familair and believe it or not its better than my father mother sister and brother have ever treated me. Ever.
I don’t know what love is. True love. Not control. Power trips. Attachment. Jealousy. Anger. Possesiveness.desperation.well meaning. Stubbornness. Blind love and pain. Mixed in with good times laughs. Amazing sex. Comfort. Kissing. Cuddling. Concern. Than more abuse and lashing out.
Which never have anything to do with me but thepain and evilness inside us and him.
It’s bad.
It needs to stop. I get scared. But I can’t blame or shame myself from leaving because more abuse will not stop me or make me feel anymore empowered. No matter how much other people mean well or "mean well".
It’s really sad. Sad I was never loved. Sad that I think this is love. Sad that I get turned on by abuse control and mistreatment and find it endearing instead of revolting.
I know that it is but I don’t feel it to be wrong. That scares me.