over Z

So Z called me yesterday  I  was with my friend and I knew it was him. But I picked up anyways, I dont know why. I told myself it maybe not be who you think it is, one because it was three pm. and two because you just needed an excuse to pick up the phone. I pretended I didnt know who it was, and he said you know who it is…and than i said yeahh..no i dont or something like that and than said bye and hung up.

i regretted doing that. i dont know why. he never loved me. he fucked me. thats it. i fell in love with him or some twisted version of it. i fell for the person he was at the beginning. sweet, attentive, compasionate all the good qualities any good player has to reel you in. than once they know they got you they treat you any way they like. abandoning you places,taking money off you, using you. all with a sweet face. but you know i cant even blame him completely in a way. i gave in to him. i was me the whole time. i gave him the money. i offered to do things for him. i came when he called. there is no victim in this game. i got into it all deeper than i wish i did but whats done is done. i miss the fuck out of him. i want to see him one last time. but i know how that works. one last time is never the last time. he is like a drug to me. and hes not even the same guy anymore. he doesnt like me anymore.i almost wished i didnt hang up the phone. the thing is I am a different person. i regretted hanging up the phone on him the way i did. he has always been like indirectly hostile to me or let me down. i have always been directly hostile to him. i feel bad for him. i texted him afterwards and said i am a different person now. because i am really. since i am not drinking and dont plan on it right now,, i cant imagine why i would want to see him. since i dont feel safe sober in the world doing safe things i cannot imagine seeing him sober or drunk and feeling any sembalence of safety. my head says no my heart wants him to be this person i want him to be. he is put up on some fucking pedestal. which he shouldnt be. hes not part of my long term life. part of my life for a little while. part of my down ward spiral that cost me my job, my self esteem my self worth my safety my physical well being, my money all that stuff that is so important to my happiness. loss of autonomy. loss of real long term goals.

enough about him anyways. i am sad about it but i need to move on from that phase of my life. it wasnt that long. it doesnt deserve much time. whats done is done.

Theres this ugly wooden slat thing, next to my bed, so i decided thats where I am going to put my vision board. so i have a bunch of different things on it. pictures words, things i want, right beside my bed when i wake up. a nice poem, called Chapters Of My Life.. a picture of me when I was like 12 or so, in my soccer uniform. Shit i wanna do now. travel, engage in life again. and love is on that board. love as in man romantic love, for the first time ever, well i can say for the first time ever, I have had boyfriends and all that before but nothing long term. I wanted love before but I just didnt really know what it was the way I think I know now, instead of picking a guy for his money and thinking that if he pays for me it means he cares, and let my actions be ruled by my vagina i will let my feelings rule me, even if that means rejecting a guy. which i did awhile ago because even though he was cute and funny and all that when he told me he just wanted to fool around that wasnt something i was going to get into again. i want a friendship first, i want a caring a sharing a mutal respect. a guy who adores me and tells me i am definately his type, his physical type his personality type and doesnt just compliment me on how i look or dress or act but likes the core of me. who i am regardless. i think the best way to meet someone like this is to stop empathsizing looks so much on a guy and what he does and what he drives and all the superficial bullshit and truely concentrate on the way a guy makes me feel and his personality and that he has goals and ambitions and is involved in shit. most of this stuff i can say i already do in many ways. i have fell in serious like with people i never thought i would and was almost embarassed to like.

i just dont want to jump into being with a guy yet, i just like the idea of thinking about what i would want in a guy, how he would treat me, how we would relate and be with eachother, how slow physically i would like to take it,and how casual in the sense of actually going dutch on shit instead of letting the guy pay for me and than hooking a guy who resents me for acting like a little entitled princess and him acting like a control freak just because he pays for everything. i want a relationship based on equality and friendship as well as passion and romance. not my daddy issues playing out again and again.

anyways hanging out right now. thinking i will go to the gym. on the second thought prolly not. actually i prolly should. this day is depressing. i quit smoking but i feel like smoking so bad right now. i think its because i wanna get some fresh air or something. i am soo tempted.

Things I am Greatful For

1. The time I had with my mother last night

2. The amazing movie I saw today that made me bawl, I recomend its with Hilary Swank

3. Being able to buy an Opera magazine and finding an awesome article about introverts that was comforting and well as another one about how if you want to achieve happiness they suggest you do something challenging and creative to stimulate your mind.

4.The weather not being as cold as last night

5. Seeing my cats

6. The bus being quite empty today so it was peaceful

7. My health

8. Talking to my friend Al- after feeling kind of abandoned by him lately and hearing that he is having some issues in his life too so I dont feel as bad about myself or alone

9. People who note me 🙂

10. The gift my friend gave me, an evil eye to ward off evil spirits