ok lets talk

I have changed, I dont know if itll last to tell you the truth. I havent drank in three weeks. I still smoke though like a fiend. I havent touched myself in three weeks. wowza. i am too scared to touch myself. i have abusive fantasies. and i am ashamed of having them. i am scared that if i start touching myself and feeling pleasure from abusive fantasies than I might start fucking those crazy guys again. I dont have a sex drive much though. sometimes i do but i ignore it. i dont want to but i dont feel safe. its a not trusting myself i guess. I dont wanna go back to Z or any of those womanizer guys. I am better than that. i know it.

I go to the gym every day because i am isolated in the ghetto and thats all there is to do here. I am kind of scared of people and how to interact with them. i dont feel safe with people, I am getting agrophobia I think. Thankfully I am going out tomm. My life is pretty boring lately. Its not bothering me too much though. I went with my friend today for a hike, it was alright. the sun was out for a bit but went down.

i think moving has changed me. i dont know for good or what. i dont crave alcohol much, sometimes but not really. i dont know if that craving will come back full force or what. could 24 be the age where i turn it all around?

or am i just repressing it all and being super fucking strict on myself. like punishing myself. i just want to feel safe right now. thats my main value. freedom and self respect are some of my main values too.

hard to come by at times with my bossy roomate. but i do not wanna talk about her because it fucking pisses me off and upsets me.

i guess i am kind of depressed. but i am comming out of it slowly. tonights been a good night.

i am learning not to repress my emotions a bit. i am hoping that will hopefully help it make it easier to quit smoking. i smoke because i am stressed out and want to numb myself. every time i feel an emotion i go and smoke to repress it. well today i bawled and cried. not for too long but i allowed myself to do that. i need to get shit out. someone told me if i dont allow myself to cry and feel it will come out in unexpected ways it will build up. so i cried and it felt good. it felt good because i knew i would stop. that i will be okay. that i am okay.

just to cry for the little girl.to cry for the young woman.to cry for the human being that I am. I am worthwhile and I am deserving of respect. i have to follow the natural order of things. not try all the time to supress it all chemically.

anyways i was thinking of posting some art that i have done. i am doing an art therapy group for woman who have experienced abuse. and we are making healing cards with inspirational qoutes on the back of our choosing. i am kind of critical of my work, thinking its kind of childish but i also know that I had fun doing it and expressing it and in the end not everything has to be about how good something is because art is subjective anyways. different people have different tastes in art. some like the impressionist art and others like abstract art.

i think my poetry is great. i love it and i also like doing that. but the thing is with my poetry its often sad and dark at times. so its not as bright and happy as my art. ah welll…

anyways i love doing art therapy. as well as art therapy we play instruments too. its fun because one person will start with the drum or something than another person will chime in with a zelophone and a rain stick and it sounds really melodic and beautiful than one person will stop and than another person until one person is still going and than they end. last time i did it me and this other woman stopped at exactly the same time and it sounded so beautiful and it was eerie but beautiful and sent chills down my spine. i cant wait for tuesday when we do that!