towels

so i had the stupidest yet hilarous in a way fight about towels today with my room mate over text today. now i am hyper sensitive lately. and me and this one room mate dont often see eye to eye. i think it had something to do with how we see things, very differently. our natures are quite different she can be bossy and controlling at times, she knows this and she tries to soften it. i am ultra sensitive at times i know this. i read into things very deeply and although i feel i do stand up for myself in my head and to the people around me i must drive them nuts about how intense i get about things.

i think i had a point and dealt with it pretty well. but the lesson learned about this silly fight was not to sweat the small stuff too much. pick battles and that silence when someone says something off sometimes is often the best answer at times. i can get pretty defensive about things, i know this comes directly from the bullying from my family and school. it was a time when all this defensiveness would have been appropriate but now my defenses are up big time. i think i do have a reason in the present to be sort of defensive or whatever. but i think the key for me is patience for people and the differences i have with them. i often like to think everyone is exactly like me and must feel and do things for the same reasons and motivations as i do. if not that than i seem to think i can figure it out or know exactly why they do things or what they are thinking. like a mind reader….but unfortunately i am only human.

i am still adjusting to living with roomates. its a difficult thing at times. the small things are taking a bit of time for me. i am so used to living by myself and doing what i want when i want and now i live with two friends and its a whole different ball game. i mean i love it at times. its nice to have someone around to watch tv with,eat with,smoke with,talk with.vent with,laugh with.or even when you are not even talking to know some one is just in the next room you just feel safe. but other times its hard for me, hard to know how to trust, what to say, how to be. i mean i know i can only be myself but sometimes i think in my head. to what extent? my mom and my sister both have told me i am an intense person so it is hard for some people i guess maybe to be around me because i am deep and so open about things. i find most people in my immediate day to day life more surface a little more shallow at times and secretive or just not as open i guess. its lonely at times i guess because with some people you can only get to a certain level with them.

maybe i will become less intense with time. i am dealing with a lot of stuff lately. healing from the sexual abuse, the memories, the moving and adjusting to my new home. grappling and comming to terms with the fact that i can no longer have my father in my life and how do i ever explain to my sister and brother about what he did. i try not to think about it too much though. i have my own life to live. i deserve a good happy life. there is so much i want to do and explore. i know there is more to me than what happened to me. i know one day i will be able to fully heal from all this garbage that was put on me as a child. i am a very strong person. i survived. i will continue to thrive and deal with whatever comes my way. my belief in myself is very deep and really always has been. i believe if it wasnt so deep and strong and present. i would not be alive today. or i would be struggling a lot more in life in the present. all this fucking and drinking and acting out was just a way to cope. i was never in denial that i wanted out of it all. i did but at the time i just didnt know how. now i know. i am scared of course. it wont be easy at times i dont think. but its never been easy drinking and drugging and numbing and taking all the crazy risks i took. it never completely covered the pain i felt only led me down a darker path.

i feel much more hopeful about things than i have in awhile. i am on the right path basically just taking it day by day. i know i probably wont see any major major changes in myself right away. that things will be little by little. i read in a book today to not treat your healing like the past abuse. what it meant by that is not to be harsh with yourself. dont set yourself up. dont set goals like i should do this or i need to be here. goals that are too rigid and huge are hard to work on. you need to break it down. the author said its natural to approach sexual healing the same way we were abused because it feels natural to us. but we need to take a different approach. that paragraph just really spoke to me. because in the past everytime i was trying to heal from things i believed that i needed to make major changes and would push myself too hard and be very ashamed of myself and sometimes just give up if i back slid. and all that really did was make going back to my old behaviours more desirable as a way to rebel. but sadly as time went on and i was knee deep in the numbing and drinking and partying i once again realized that it just wasnt fun anymore and wasnt how i wanted to live my life. but i didnt know how to stop. now i feel more hope that this time i will get it. it just may not be this rapid transformation and the goals and things i want to achieve may not be the ones that i really need to achieve or will really make me that happy in the end. its not about quitting smoking,stopping drinking, stop having harmful sex. and being able to tell people ive been sober for this many days months or years. its an over all feeling that i am living the life i want that i choose and feeling good about myself and valuing my life,my body,my soul. enriching my life experience. not getting that high paying job,having my own apartment being fully self sufficiant i mean those are my goals and i want to strive for them but in the end they are not the be all end all of my happiness. happiness and peace has to come from within you no matter how much money you have in your bank account or whatever status you have. i know i sometimes struggle to remeber this but i also know that when i am struggling i can look back at the times when i had tons of disposible income a good high status kind of job and parties and so called fun every weekend. i wasnt happy inside. i was frantic i was numb i was on a superficial high. i still felt inadequate i had different problems and i resented and felt guilty for the things i had.

i believed if i had this dress or this thing, than this guy will like me or i will feel desired and loved. because in the end it was always about love i just wanted someone to love and adore me and never leave me. when i couldnt find this i would settle for the first guy who would not leave me and so called accept me. but in the end he may have always been available but there was nothing between us but a manufactured attraction blurred by drugs,alcohol,music,idealization,fantasy,acting,pretending,obsession,hormones,novelty. but it was so empty and worthless really. i knew it was really. i tried to tell myself i didnt care. but i felt like i was wasting my life.biding my time.throwing away things that truely meant so much more to me in the name of the intense lonliness that i felt inside.

lonliness was the biggest one. lack of connection and meaning to anyone in my life. i felt uncared for. undeserving of love. i felt like sex w

as the only thing i could offer a man and a relationship. so i got really good at it. that and pretending. i thought if i pretended to love the person or adore them that they would need me and want me and love me. i was thinking that life ran the way i fantasized in my head. i feel weird saying this in past tense because this was how i felt not too long ago and the behaviour was not too unrecent, if thats even a word. but i guess its okay to say it in past tense because the truth is that even the last time acting out was last week i knew that is was all a lie. i knew everything i am telling myself now pretty much. maybe some new things have been added. i think i knew all these things all along but didnt think i had a choice that if i didnt act out that i would never feel any relief or satisfaction or closeness to anyone so i might as well things i dont really like doing just to feel close to someone anyone. eventually i could blind myself to the fact that these people did not care about me, that if i was sober and being myself that these types of people would never get a second glance from me.

i can be compassionate about it all to myself. because to tell you the truth i really didnt know why i was doing it all. but now i do. and it got to the point where i almost lost my life and now everytime i try to immerse myself in that world again i just get extremely triggered by it all and am so fearful that this time will be my last time. i have goals for myself i have dreams i know who i am. not completely at times but i have a pretty basic sense of the person i am. and i know that i deserve better that the abuse that i have received. i know it was not my fault and that i am not to blame for other peoples callous actions. whether i know it completely emotionally and can accept that all on a emotional level i dont know yet. probably not. sometimes i have to be patient with my feelings they take awhile to catch up to my thoughts but they do come. and boy are they affirming.