we werent born yesterday

get over the past. everyday is a new one. stop dwelling.

I hear this shit alot. But the fact remains that we are not born yesterday. We are not robots or machines where we can take ourselves or others apart give them a good cleaning or even hit the reset button and we are good as new.

Things will bother us whether we like it or not. Events and words and actions have an effect on us as much as we like to say we are strong and we can rise above it all. As I am writting this I even tell myself this should be common knowledge a judgement on my part and in reality when I think about it and if I read it on someone elses journal I may say that to myself too.

I guess things take time. I would like to get to the place where I react to the situation and moment for what it is instead of the past so much. Sometimes its not even that I do this intentionally I do it with a bit of unconscious and conscious motive. But the conscious motive always seems to be the one where things just do not seem right and never seen to work out if I am doing things for the wrong reasons and the numb myself or whatever.

I think as much as I try to change and have the best intentions the world has other plans as well and its not always going to turn out the way I would like it to at the right time. The best times as I was telling my room mate today is as simple as putting so much effort into looking good and expecting a night or a time to be amazing just because we look a certain way but usually the best times are when you are not expecting it and you look like shit. Its like yoou cant force things, things just happen. Same with change as much as we value self control and motivation and will power and all that I find I only notice change in myself eventually and stubtley, its only when I look back can I see the changes I have made in my life.

For example I used to self harm, cut myself,burn myself cause injury to myself when I was angry,upset or hurt. It was like an addiction to me, I felt bad about doing it. I regretted doing it and knew it wasnt solving my problems or really making me feel good about myself in the end but no matter how much I tried I could not stop doing it. I did feel like at times it numbed the pain and calmed me down. Looking back I dont ever remeber telling myself that no more am I going to cut myself or physically self harm ever again. Its only looking back did I realize that the self injury subsided. The episodes were less and less. Did I see a slip up as a failure? no. I regretted slipping up and reverting to my teenage self but it was more than that. I grew out of it. It didnt help anymore as much as I wanted it to help me. It was just an act. A deliberate self harm towards myself. I believed that I deserved better than cutting myself or leaving scars on my body. I thought of the consequences of my behaviour how it would look to people on the outside and that my self harming will not in the long term help me achieve what I want in life. Which is to lead a productive and sucessful life. I realized that there are people who will see these scars be ignorant about it and judge me as much as I knew that their judgement was unwarented and I didnt need to take it apon myself it was on of the strongest motivators or change as well. but I never remeber going to a cutters group or getting specific therapy for it. I am proud that I was able to stop doing it. I may not have a hold on my others unhealthy ways I cope but I can tell you knowing that I will never harm myself deliberately again like that feels good. Because I know how long I struggled with it and the pain and shame and damage it did to me. some of the scars are on me for life but I do not look back at them with regret they are just a part of me from the past that I wear but not neccessarily frown upon.