reintegrating into life

I am now in the process of finally dealing with things more clearly.. I know what I need to do, where to go and how to get there and now its just time to put my plans into action.

I am feeling much stronger in myself effortlessly I think. No longer so afraid. I know I am still adjusting but I think I have made huge strides in terms of healing. When the assault just happened I was just reacting to the way my body was responding with no clear understanding of why I was acting feeling and seeing things the way I do. But now that I have more of a clearer understanding that I cannot control everything my body or mind does I can relax a little bit more. Its easy to buy into popular psychology and believe that every though you think intentionally determines your attitude and the things you do. But what about the thoughts that pop out of no where? you cannot control every thought that comes out..you brain stores things and subconsciously processes them in your dreams and your gut reactions to things.

For a long time I have been holding back and not dealing with all the assaults that have happened to me. I can finally acknowlege the impact they have had on me. For a long time I told myself that just because I didnt feel so bad after they happened it must mean it wasnt that bad. But I was wrong of course they effected me. They effected me profoundly and so deeply that if I were to react to them at that moment I wouldnt of been strong enough to handle all of it.

Insight into your problems is probably the most powerful thing you can have besides taking actions. I always considered myself quite an insightful person. Thinking  that I knew exactly why I do everything I do. But the truth is I do not. I may never completely understand myself or see myself completely accurate and thats fusterating but okay, I can deal with the majority of it all.

I am now re integrating myself back into my family. I went to see my sister on saturday for her birthday. I had a good time despite the fact that I was comming down from doing coke. Something I hardly ever do. It was extremely uncomfortable to say the least and I wished that I could have been clean and feeling better so I couldve had a good time but it sucked in a lot of ways because it limited everything I could do. I couldnt drink anything except water or eat anything which I love eating. I ordered a salad thinking that I could eat that but I litterally had one little tiny bite and than I wasted the whole thing. I was getting hot flashes and feeling nauseous all night to the point where I went to the washroom at a pizza pizza to throw up because I was so embarassed with myself and did not want my family to see me sick since they knew I wasnt drinking. In the past my family has been very critical of me and throwing up because they know I can be a heavy drinker at times and have berated me for throwing up. I am getting to the point that I get it, it upsets them but its not my fault if I throw up. Its your bodies natural way of getting toxins out of your body its a good thing and natural so they need to get over it.

Anyhow. It went well otherwise. surprisingly I had a good time completely sober well. Pretty much sober. It was fun watching other people being drunk and stupid knowing that that is me most of the time and seeing how I appear to other people. It was a jazz bar and blues bar so the music was funky and different and interesting to listen to and easy to dance to because you are not worried about dancing sexy or good but just having fun really and not caring. I would have to say in my life, I never thought I could have so much fun at a bar dancing with family sober and not feel shy or uncomfortable or self conscious. I literally liked that it was physically impossible for me to drink without throwing up or feeling even worse because I may have drank too much if I did drink.

I met my sisters friends for the first time ever from work and from some other places and I would have to say my sister has some pretty genuine good friends. my sister has this one friend who is so amazingly cute and nice. she has a great aura about her or something.

That is what I strive to have. Not to be eactly like this person but to have my own positively glowing arua of being comfortable with the person I am and freely giving love and joy and lightness. Right now i am weighed down by some pretty ugly stuff and its effecting the way people probably see me. I am fearful which sometimes comes off as hate or sourness. I want to trust again, after getting beat up and the way the police dealt with me I lost trust in police and people around me that are supposed to help me. I mean of course rationally I know that people and police they are not all bad but when something as bad as what happened to me did and I turned to the police and they turned it against me it is just worse than just being let down by the police it is disgusting and disheartening.

Many people I tell my story about the police do not believe me or do but are sort of in disbelief when I tell them they did not believe me, that they interogated me and that they kept me in the room telling me I could not take a break or leave the room. I was blamed insulted,threatened to get in trouble myself,prodded at,interogated. That is not how victims of crime should be treated.It was pure arrogance and cruelty and blame on their part. I was at my most vulnerable and they took advantage of that fact to prove to me at the time that I was not strong enough to testify or advocate enough on my own. it really sucked and it retraumatized me I think thats why it was harder for me to trust after that as well as heal. If the police had done their job than I wouldnt of been suffering so much from the post traumatic stress afterwards but because they failed to protect me and uphold the law it made it a bit harder for me to leave my apartment and get on with normal life because they left a belief in my head that if anything happens to me its completely my fault and unless I have a photographic memory and remeber every detail of what happened to me there is not much they can do for me except berate me for every decison I happened to make in that situation. Even if the situation was a smart one on my part but because I am sitting there in the room with them telling my story and it obviously warrented me comming to them it must mean I am apart of the problem. couldnt be more false. but that is the injustice of life and canada i guess. people think oh its canada its a democracy and bad things dont happen to good people or people like the police are the good guy and would never be able to or do something that is against the law because they will get caught. but the truth is the police are just like any of of us but with more power and if they are fucked up people they will use every trick in the book that they learned to fuck around with you to get their way most of the time you will leave thinking it was your fault too. its not until after do you realize that they did not want to do their job they wanted to manipulate you and the circumstances to get what they want and no matter how obvious it is that your telling the truth they do not wanna hear and dont care. they have enough to think about and do and they live their whole life like this. of course its not all police but a lot of them can be like this.i hear stories an

d a lot of police brutality stories go untold out of fear they will not be believed. its really sad. the best thing i can think of right now is to stay out of trouble and really make sure i am in a strong place before i go to the police about anything and make sure I know what i am getting myself into.

ok enough for now. ciao