going to write a memoir poetry

 i was meant to live to write. i know this because i have kept a journal for most of my life. i have chronicled my life and traumas especially in blg posts,forum posts,on paper in journals everywhere. this is a unconscious attempt i think on my part to be heard to express myself my joys,my fears,my trauma,my pain,my strengths.my weaknesses,creativity and insight. I think I have a lot of experience in writting i just need to perfect the craft more. i think i can be objective as well as personal,raw and real. my story needs to be told.it needs to be out there if not to the general public but to my family and especially my future family. they need to see where i am comming from. because i have been silenced and dismissed for too long. but this urge does not come from emotion as much as it comes from something i need to do what i am meant to do. it needs to be done. i believe this strongly within the depths of my soul. and it is about time i start. i need to come out of that shell of secrecy and shame blame denial and fear. and tell my side of the story the story of my life that has been pushed and shoved and threatened all my life.

i dont know where to start to be honest. but i will find a way to begin. i think in a way i started this process a long long time ago before i even knew what i was doing. by speaking with youth speak and telling my story so honestly. i believe that writting my book will be easier than speaking the truth to hundreds of strangers in person. looking people in the eye. i have had to write my story and have written it a dozens of times it changes everytime. i want to write about growing up in my house have it interlude with poetry from that time frame from my meager almost laughable poetry and songs i wrote to the comics i wrote and drew to secretly gain the power that was taken from me so long ago. i did it in code express myself in my fantasy world where i came out triumphant and winning each time but not without suffering great pains to get there. it is satisfying to me. i want it to interlude with humour,compassion,insight,thrill,excitement,adrenaline sorrow,pain,disgust,fear,strength,honesty,humiliation,exposure,depravity and indulgence and prospariety. my life was not awful bottom of the barrel pain like living in africa but it was not healthy normal or always fun either. i suffered a lot of grey area rapes,assaults and beatings. which in some lights were not grey area at all now that i think of some of them. but some were tinged with such sublty that it was hard at the time to see how difficult it was to endure and how i cope so amazingly well. there are villians in my stories,there are heroes,angel messengers,judges,police literally and figuratively,guides,gods,devils,companions in my pain,enablers,children and parents,animals,teachers,bad bosses,good bosses,ghosts,myself being all of the above as well in my own life as well as how i affected other peoples lives. its hard for me to believe i never hurt others but that is something i also want to address in my story how as a result of things i went through i intentionally and uninentionally hurt others. as painful as it may be and scary to believe i am not the only victim in my exisitance. i am 24 but feel 80 at some times and iknow people say that alot about themselves but it is the truth i believe. 

i did some amazing things with my life, going to school completing school,speaking out to others,working in a helping profession,caring for my pets as if they were my children,trying to love people and go out of my way for others because i never wanted them to the way i have been hurt and have felt pain in my life, i have done some low things in my life i have stolen from the very people i care about,i have shoved,hit,slapped and have been stolen from,hit,slapped. i have lied and have been lied to. i have abandoned people and people have abandoned me. i have cheated on people and people have cheated on me,i have manipulated and have had people manipulate me. i have ran out of jobs,people,and things that are important and have had people run out on me. i did everything that people have done to me almost. some things i could never imagine doing to another person. in a way that is a wonderful thing i am not a sociopath but i am also not innocent either. i have done coke, drank to excess,smoke,smoked weed,sold weed,been paid for sex,done pornography,stole a boyfriend from a girl i knew growing up,cheated on my boyfriends,damaged other peoples property purposely,threatened people,have been threatened more than a few times.i have covered up and lied for other people and have had people cover up and lie for me. i have screamed at people and have had people scream at me. been raped and sexual harassed and have sexually harassed other people. i have verbally harassed people and have been verbally harassed. i have broken promises and have had promises broken on me. i have tricked people and used people and have been tricked and used too. i have hit bottoms and have been part of other peoples bottoms.i have witnesses horrible things have have played a starring role in horrible things in front of other people. 

i have risen beyond a lot of pain already and left a lot of bad things behind. coke,selling myself,,cutting, threatening to kill myself and others and physically abusing people and verbally abusing others. its a struggle with these things they were easy choices to make in my life they seemed to be the easy way out. dont have money give a guy a blowjob or striptease on camera for money. want attention and sympathy threaten to kill yourself,want to feel powerful verbally and physically assualt some one. wanna feel a high, snort a line of coke to get the party started. 

i have risen beyond blaming myself for things i cannot control. i cannot control my father,my sister or my mother. they hurt me yes, but i cannot tell them what to do. i used to tell my mother constantly, leave dad you have to leave dad. i felt as though it was my job to get her to leave and to steer her away from all the bad people and men and things in her life. i no longer want to live my life through her. i do not want to waste my energy. 

i have rised beyond feeling like the only way i can earn money is to sell my body in some way shape or form. i am worth more than that and when i age things will just not be the same anymore. i am smart and more than capable working a job even if it is minimum wage. hooking and stripping are not things that i can do and look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of for myself. theres just so much pain. i paid more of a price selling myself for hundreds of dollars than any guy ever put down. the second i put a price tag on my body and myself was the second that man though i was an object and i can be controlled and dont have feelings. i can shut my feelings off and numb with drugs and alcohol all i want but it just ends up hitting me in the face when i sober up and i cringe inside and know i am doing myself a disservice. 

i still struggle feeling worth while and i cannot change my sexual fantasies yet to reflect a loving gentler loving sex. it will be hard work to do that. the men i seek out and like are not good for me and are just as badly broken as me if not worse.

I have risen beyond a huge chunk of disbelief in myself as i have set my mind to many things in my life and have sucess

fully graduated from them and did even better than i thought. have received a tremendous personal self satisfaction and empowerment in the positive things i am involved in boxing,self defence, my speaking engagements. as well as praise and respect for speaking out and moving forward in my life even if i do take steps backs and do regress in my life sometimes. 

i am a humble person i believe. part of that being that i am a people pleaser but also it just being the type of person i am. i was brought up with wealth but was never told to brag or use it to my advantage. it embarassed me. it was not something i would use to pull rank or admiration. i would often go the hard route in things just to prove to others that i am not some spoiled rich kid with no drive or ambition. any time i did ask for money from my parents it was a very small amount 20 dollars and in rare cases 100 dollars and it was peppered with expectations of either physically paying them back but usually emotional black mail. it is nothing i would feel at ease in doing. 

can i be a negative person, yes. i have been told this many many many times in my life. mostly by guys i date. it comes from being neurotic i think at times and worrying about things and trying to have the control i didnt have growing up. i was constantly having crisises at home. the police showing up at odd hours.baliffs comming to take away stolen or unpaid for property. i had to fight people to get them off the property. i had to give up to save my sanity and dis own my father and reject and stick it to him sometimes. do i like drama in my life? i sure do. i have created drama in my life in order to re gain the control i felt i had none of growing up. i liked the excitement in my life even if it was painful it made me feel alive and not so ordinary. have i focused too much on the shit in my life and the things that have gone wrong in my life yes. do i dwell constantly on these things? i used to. i still do to an exent but my mind cannot let me feel too sorry for myself anymore because if i let things overtake me i am loosing out on so many great fun exciting healthy things in life and people.

can i be a positive person. yes. i like to see the good in even the most evilest people. i like to imagine there is a reason why someone is treating me badly i may even make up excuses for people in order to protect them from others negative remarks sometimes no matter how justified they are. i also get annoyed when others do the exact same thing. i like to believe that my mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn. and as bad as the pain i have experienced i am not dead and i am able bodied and not physically and mentally messed up to the point of no return. i  have no been completely jaded and cold and bitter about life. i believe in hope for myself and others. i have hope in my future. and know things will always turn around no maybe the way i want them to turn out at times but the way they are supposed to be. i have been through such bad things that i often believe it cannot get any worse and if it does get worse i know that i am strong enough and smart enough to survive it all. 

am i an honest person. yes. i am honest with my faults and limitations sometimes painstakingly and annoyingly so. i can tell people hard truths in their lives or things i see in them that they dont see in themselves i can give people the advice no one else will tell them or the advice or insight they do not wanna hear. sometimes my timing is horrible too and i hurt a lot of people which i instantly regret but know i cannot undo. i apologize when neccessary. sometimes i do not back down. i disagree with peoples political beliefs or personal beliefs if something is so important to me it would be damaging not to say something. i say things that i should not or do not have to say. that gets me in trouble or doesnt give me advantages that other people get just by ommiting the truth. do i believe that life should be about being honest yes, but i do know the value in keeping quiet

am i dishonest ? yes. i have lied, white lies, big lies,lies to save my ass, i have lied to myself most of all. about my happy childhood and loving parents and siblings. lied that my drinking was not as bad as it seemed. that i am not using sex as a way to cope with things that i am living life to the fullest and i am open minded and a free spirit. i have lied about things i have cared truely about because i was scared about getting hit or hurt or killed. i have lied to get people to like me. i have lied to avoid getting hurt emotionally or to be punished or to be seen in a bad light. i have been dishonest and exagerated to get sympathy and attention. sometimes it worked perfectly other times its blown up in my face.

do i contridict myself? all the time. i talk in circles to avoid things and to push people away from really getting to know who i am and what i stand for or believe. other times i do it because i am talking out loud.and cannot make up my mind. sometimes i do it to confuse other people or manipulate or please people. its fusterating for myself as well as others.

do people have power over me still. of course they do but will they drive me to suicide? no they will not. it may hurt but the pain eventually becomes a dull more manageable ache.