when tragedy stikes…will you see it as a gift

Can I see what happened to me as beautiful an awakening? Yes, amid the struggle to not sleep,the nightmares, the flashbacks the panic the guy who beat me truly gave me the push to change my life for the better.

Before I was self medicating almost every day, drinking,taking drugs, hanging out people who were involved in criminal activity,sleeping around and not feeling any love between the people I was sleeping with. I was comfortably numb for a long time. Going into work hungover,I was listless at work, I lost the empathy for the people I worked with and started seeing them as enemies.

I hated working, not because it got any harder. well I admit it probably did but because it interfered with my partying. I hated that, but what I hated even more was the fact that I wanted to party and drink so much. Why wasnt I doing something more valuable with my time off? Starting up that jewelry company I always wanted to start up? Taking up excercise, meeting up and trying to make friends. I ran away from friends, into the arms of criminals and guys and people who didnt care for me.

Now I know that my partying is a distraction. A way to not look at myself, deal with the pain inside. The sense that I was a defective inside. Not good enough for worth while people, hence hanging out with people who used me and treated me bad. The underlying belief that I could not cut it at work lead me to slacking off a bit and self sabatoging myself. The drinking was to blot out the painful memories from childhood the abuse. especially the sexual abuse. it was too shameful for me to acknowledge I always blamed myself for it. Even though I was five years old. There is nothing I could of done. The sexual abuse continued. Its damaged me in so many ways, I will never be the same but I will over come it and re claim my sexuality and life again.

This guy who tried to kill me was an Angel sent down t the universe to wake me up inside. Shake up enough to start to feel again. The Angel literally made me fight for my life because I would not fight for it in everyday life. God knew I needed a painful,dramatic wake up call in order to face the pain inside and embrace the life I have left.

Not to waste it anymore. I am far too valuable to waste my life away on drugs and alcohol and people who will continue the abuse that was done in childhood. I need to share my gifts with others.

My favorite qoute is something like Let the light inside you shine, in doing so you permitting others to shine as well. Basically dont be scared of showing off a bit, of speaking up, sharing your opinions and life and talents with others. Because when others see you shine it inspires them as to be the best that they can and not to be ashamed of the person and unique gifts that they have. Everytime I start feeling scared of letting people know who I am I think of that qoute and allow it inspire me to open up and be myself.