self defense

So I am looking up some self defense courses online, one looks promising and cheap and close but it is too soon and I kind of have a feeling it is all booked up. but who knows I am going to call tommorow as instructed by the lady I contacted on Saturday

Tommorow I go to my therapist to deal with all this turmoil shit I have inside me. My panic,my anger,my hyper sensitivity all because of this attack. it fucked me up bad this time. Every other time I tried to get past the rapes Ive been through it was easy for me to move on from it all, compartamentalize it and move on. now i dont sleep right,i am jumpy and just have all these feelings inside. i wanna scream,kick and yell.

shake someone. punch someone,punch something. swear at someone ,cuss at someone.

i have so much rage inside of me. so much hurt and sadness. so much fear inside me. i will never be the same. i will never under estimate my safety and security in life. i will never brush off a man thinking that he will never hurt me and I will never feel with compete certainty that anyone has my back or cares enough about my life to be there for me. its my job and responsibility. in the end the police dont care. and everyone else cannot see or feel the pain i feel. i am on my own right now. i need to find the strength inside of me to heal through this. i wont move on, i wont get past it. this time i dont want to. because if  i do i will never learn.

i am a bitter person right now. i hope it can help me be safe for now. being bitter and cold and non trusting. its the only armour i have right now. its the only way i know to keep myself safe from my feelings and people right now. i will never forget the look in his eyes and the words he said to me. that i was going to die and i would have to watch my back. even if they are not true those things fuck with your mind and soul. the core of who i am.

no more mrs nice girl anymore. its time to toughen up. i needed a punch in the face for me to learn that. i needed to almost die to learn that. thats what i needed.

the rape crisis centre i talked to is going to call the police on my behalf this week to see the status of my case. if the fucking prick was found what happened what charges were laid if any etc etc. this makes me scared but i am even more fearful of what might happen if i dont find out and just let it ride out.

i am the queen of avoidance. always telling myself to let things go, push them away or forget about things, run away from it all. but when i do that things get worse and worse.its better to face it than to just let things explode in my face.

like with my mom for instance. we avoid eachother in alot of ways, she lets her anger build up with her passive agressiveness and I bury my anger and hurt and guilt with a face of indifference like i dont care or understand. than i snap just like her in the middle of no where or even in a casual non important fight. the resentment we both have for eachother just builds and builds and builds. its builds into something dangerous and destructive. i need to have a one on one with my mom i think. it would be best for both of us.i love her and we talk and hang out but under neath it all is a resentment on both parts. an unhealthy attachment and dependence to eachother. i dont like it and i want to try to make changes in our relationship if i can. or at least change the way i deal with things or interpret things because it gets too painful.

ugh just feeling so fusterated right now. my mom is drinking like a fish and it pisses me off and makes me wanna fucking drink too. i hate her when she gets drunk she acts stupid. but i am going to stop talking about it right now because it is pissing me off even more and i cannot bear to let myself get this pissed off so late.