anger is the backbone to healing

 So how am I doing. Inside I feel like shit. A witches cauldron. Bubbling inside with anger.hate.sadness and hurt. Ready to explode. Jumpy lately. Little things trigger me to remeber what happened but I refuse to let them in right now. I notice them and move on. I cannot afford to fall apart right now. I must stay strong til at least the end of the work week. Do the best I can.

My friend thinks I may be repressing. Of course I am, I need to survive I need to live right now in order to move on somewhat. But I do understand the importance of acknowleging it. It happened, it was horrible, shocking and disgusting to me. I am angry and disgusted with him for doing what he did to me with no regard to if I wanted it or diseases or pregnancy. When I was little I was molested while sleeping. I woke up to him on top of me. Touching me. I pretended I was asleep I was shocked and scared. I didnt know what to do and who to turn to. I turned to my mom who brushed it off like she did with any time this type of thing happened. She was in denial of such a thing happening to me. I suspect she too was molested a kid 

I am not there right now I am just feeling empty most of the time. I am mourning a bit. I can have all these emotions still I can laugh I can cry I can smile but its still not resolved inside of me. It will always be part of me. Every fuck. every drink every smoke every swear every tear every smile. every laugh. its there. I hope to one day get closer to resolving this secret sadness inside of me and unlock the whole mystery of why I do all the things I do and how do I come to terms with it all and end it from getting worse. I am my own worst enemy at time. You cannot judge or nitpick any closer than I can. I want to love myself the way I have always wanted to be loved. unconditionally and wholly because I deserve it I know I am a good person. Just very hurt and pained inside. Especially lately. 

Work is very hard on me. It is a very responsible job. People breathe down my neck at times. Expecting me to be perfect to know what they want and for everything to stay the same. But I am not perfect. I am not a mind reader and it cannot be the same. I do the best I can do. If I wasnt than I wouldnt be second guessing and beating myself up every second. Innovating and trying to adjust to it all. 

But thats all I have to say that way. I found my old ipod and wanted to write out some of my poems here because I am scared in a way that I will loose my ipod like I did my phone and loose the poems that I myself wrote and like. 

 

 

Fucking tired of it all

The rise and the fall

All the waiting around

Like your so fucking important

I dont see a crown

All I feel is fear when you are around

Its no way to live

You bled me dry 

I have no more to give

Tell me these sweet nothings

I have lived in your lies for days

I played all of your games

and what you did that night

 I will never be the same

Lived too long with all this shame 

When you are the one to be blamed

 

Puesdo Romance

Just transaction

For both our satisfactions

Hesitation to take any action

cant make the commitment

ignore the sentiment

what we see

is so unclear

our bodies are intangled

but our hearts are just not there

 

True Self

 

Why you alone

I am always here

I know the way 

Thats tried and true

Ignore the jeers

That line the road

Your not there anymore

You are here

You are what you believe

Theres no changing

Just uncovering what is

Loose all the junk

That is weighing you down

Feel proud

When it sulks away without a sound

 

and my latest on abut what happened

Shocked 

In Disbelief

DId something with no concern

For the person that is me

Woke up disgusted

I dont want you ever to be a part of me

the way you were that time

Betrayed me bad 

while pretending to be good

never again

will i believe or trust you

never could