Nightmares that seem real

Lately I  have been really tired. Going straight to sleep after work. I am a bit depressed I think.

Last night I had a really scary dream about my ex boyfriend he kidnapped me and started torturing me with a big knife and I was pleading with him to stop nicely but he had this evil look in his eye and was laughing. He was going to rape me but instead wrote on my face with a red marker when he was going to. His brother than charged into the room and stabbed him in the neck and I ran out of the room and his aunt (who in real life I do not get along with) was sitting on the couch. I ran into the bathroom to call the police but the door wouldnt lock and close so I ran out of the washroom and onto the street, calling and screaming to passerbys to help me but no one did. I was about to dial 911 before I woke up; I was glad to wake up but was really shaken.

Before that dream I had a another dream about me and my sister having a screaming fight where she kept repeatedly calling me a slut and punching me. In real life me and my sister used to fight pretty bad and I remeber calling me some of those names. When my sister got mad at me I believe it went past just normal sibling fighting into abuse so I think it was just flashbacks from the past in the way. I have alot of these kind of dreams about my sister where we are fighting really bad and it just wont stop. I dont know what its all about, but I am glad me and my sister dont live with eachother anymore. Living with her was like living with a ticking time bomb you never knew what kind of rage you were going to trigger in her and forget about standing up for yourself shed much rather slap,kick or punch you to get her way. Thats how I remeber it anyway. I think now her tongue has just gotten a bit sharper.

I was really shaken when I woke up, I think because the guy who raped me calls me in the middle of the night almost every night and I just dont wanna deal with it all. I got up, had a smoke and closed and locked some of my windows as well as put the safety chain on my door. I than grabbed my stuffed animal, thank god I was tired enough though to get back to sleep quite quickly I was hoping I was not going to go into the same or similar dream and I didnt. But I definately needed to soothe myself.

Work was okay today nothing special. Went to the office got some stuff done. I am supposed to write something good that I did at workd but I cant think of much except show up I guess. I have killer cramps and I presevered. I havent taken a sick day yet and dont plan on it. Tommorow is a client picnic thing so its kind of good to have a fun kind of work day, but also intimidating because I am really not good at these big social events they drain and terrify me for the most part. Thats why I avoided the staff picnic even though it would have been a good idea to go.

This weekend is going to be a busy one I think, albeit a money squeezing one. I am going to a club tomm night I think, another club for a friends bday and maybe the beach on Saturday and a Britney Spears concert on Sunday that I am excited for!! My bros gf had an extra ticket god bless her heart!

Anyways thats it for now.

ciao

I am going to copy this entry, just in case it doesnt save! I think I will be doing that from now on I think. Maybe even going as far as typing it in microsoft word if I can. I have learned my lesson!!