crazy ass dream

So I had this really crazy dream last night a bunch of them actually. So crazy and disturbing that I wont even go into all of them. But I had one dream where I was basically cutting off my legs and arms and toes and buirying (I dont know how to spell that word.) myself putting my limbs into boxes and closing them and putting them in the ground. But I also still had limbs so I  guess I  regrew them. I am pretty big into dream symbolism. I mean I am sure most dreams are just left over garbage or whatever from our day and subconscience but I think to me this dream was me kiilling myself and being reborn and re growing. At first I was all like negative about it thinking maybe it meant I am killing myself but I think the fact that I have limbs again is symbolizing a re growth and new birth.

The other part of my dream was really sad and terrifying to me. I lost my job and was fired horribly. But the job I had isnt the one I have in real life but in the dream I was so upset and could not stop crying hysterically while talking to the bitch of a boss I had about the mistake I had made. I was half awake when I realized not to be upset it was a weekend and I dont have a job at a clothing store as a manager. I was relieved afterwards. whew.

lately I havent done much this weekend, I always end up crashing in bed by 7 the past two nights of pure exhaustion. it helps because I dont have much going on anyways so it doesnt really matter if i sleep or not. I did go to the beach the other day, which was fun because it was beautiful out and I had never gone to this beach in toronto. I went with this cute brazillian boy. but i guess i drank a bit too much because he had plans later and i was begging to come too, which if i was sober I would never do. I hate showing desperation or lonliness. So we parted ways in the evening . But I felt a bit weighed down my lonliness lately. I dont really feel a part of anywhere and this weekend esp it feels like everyone has disapeared to do things with their real friends and have REAL fun. I mean I know its not completely true and disputing these beliefs in my head helps me stay grounded and not completely spiral into a depression and dispair. because everything changes and this is one weekend in my life. But I do feel like I spend more time alone than most people I know, I could be wrong but it seems like it. I dont mind for the most part. I mean I will go out to eat on my own, shopping that type of thing but sometimes its almost like the more time you spend alone the less you know who you are. I am not a really outgoing person really either, I keep to myself for the most part kind of protecting myself I guess.

But yeah. my sister got home from europe last night, so i texted her to say welccome back. she texted me thanks and that she will see me sometime this week. when she was there she really wanted to go up to the boat with my dad and me and her friend. but the way she worded seeing me makes me think maybe shes changed her mind. I dont even know which day we were supposed to go up north to do that so I texted her to ask her if she still wanted to go.. no word yet. jet lag. I am not sure I would go without her because if my dad does go he most likely will bring his ugh girlfriend I hate saying that word because it doesnt really suit her, gold digger is more like it. but i am going to give him a call in a bit to see whats up.

good news, I have another side job. I have to babysit and walk this adorable lab puppy in my building twice a day on certain days. me and my mom share the days. I also walk this other dog in the building. its fun and it gives me extra cash which is always nice  🙂

oh and my therapist told me to write down every day I work one thing I do right or good at my job. So I guess on Friday I would have to say that I care about the tenants in the building and  I think really connected with one of my cooks on Friday when I asked her if she was a mom and when she said yes I told her I could tell and I bet she is a great one. 🙂 she really lit up about that you could tell it meant a lot to her. so there! 🙂