wow

If I cant write in here and share things truthfully and honestly where can I? So Amy Winehouse died yesterday, and I am so sick of people saying that we care more about Amy Winehouse than the Noregian victims. Yes that is sad too, but think about it Amy Winehouse is a known public celebrity and often celebrities these days are so over exposed that we feel as though we know them personally. esp knowing so much about her struggles. 90 plus random strangers is very sad but also much more far removed from most of us. Plus why does it matter, there is no black and white in the world only shades of grey, if someone wants to be sad about it so be it. thats what democracy is all about.

It saddens and alarms me to my own behaviour. I guess I am somewhat in denial about my behaviour my drinking my drug use my risky sexual behaviour, but what I am so tired of is no one to talk about it with without judgement or lecturing. Either I falsely glorify it all to some people or I dont tell anyone at all. thats sad to me. the only person I can talk to is my therapist and now i only see her bi weeky. I guess I got to get on finding a new therapist or something.

Last night I invited this guy over and it was okay. but at one point he pulled out a gun cocked it and said to me you are okay with this right? it all happened so fast that it shocked me for a minute I couldnt believe what I was seeing. he put it back thankfully. i was on guard the whole time and that was the end of the gun he didnt touch it and said it wasnt loaded  He is in the army so I guess its what he gets from the army. wow i guess i am kind of stupid. but for some reason i knew i wasnt going to be harmed.he wasnt comming onto me at all wouldnt touch me nothing just talking to me. but still i think he is dangerous. he just got here from russia a month ago. telling all kinds of stories about getting into fights with people here already. red flag.red flag. he wasnt like that at all with me though but i am sure he will turn out like that. they all do. sweet and nice to u and mean to everyone else you dont think they will hit hurt a woman that their fights are all just with other guys, that u are safe well u are not. learned the hard way when i was physically assaulted and confined by a classmate of mine in his apartment. not fun.

i dont even know how i brought myself to continue to keep him at my house a part of me wanted him to leave but i was scard to ask him to go because of the gun thing thinking hed get mad and pull it on me and part of me wanted him to stay it was kind of a turn on him being dangerous and all that. a bunch of justifications. i probably wont see him again. if i do dont think i want him at my house again just in case.