hard to not let it all get to me

So I had to prepare a brunch for one of my kitchen locations today. I thought that since I prepared the day before Id have enough stuff but wrong was I. I felt a bit incompetant. The tenants were telling me it wont be enough. So I walked to the grocery store to buy a shit load more food spent about 50.00. But it sufficed for the most part. I have eyes watching me and I hate it. Sometimes the tenants you know test me because I am new and can really dig into my insecurites. I am trying to not let it get to me really. But I almost had an anxiety attack on the way to the grocery store just feeling like this job is too much for me at times and the tenants can get all cranky and ungreatful. I called my mom to vent a bit.

In the end it all worked out fine and I was really proud of myself for pulling it all together. Things calmed down and the eyes were off me and onto the next person. I am still insecure about my authority I mean I have this power that I am not used to. In my life I have felt like I had none and a lot of the time in actuality I really did not have much power or choice. Now that i have it its a blessing and a curse. I like it somewhat but it comes with a lot of responsibilty and scrutiny you know? I wanna assert myself and get things done but I also am aware that there is still  a lot I do not know. About mental illness for one. Even living with it myself in a higher functioning spectrum its hard sometimes to empathasize with some of the tenants when they are distruptive and rude. I mean you give them some lea way but its still hard not to take some of the attacks personally.

The kitchens on friday is a bit of a rougher crowd and more conflict so sometimes I get scared you know. I am not comfortable with anger sometimes I wish I could just like let it all out and lash out a bit but I am very controlled. I do like to let anger get the best of me I am all ablout mantaining a certain level of control. I cannot say really how I would describe my temper sometimes I can blow up but I guess it takes a bit for me to do that. I am a lot like my mom in that sense, my mom hardly ever gets mad but when she does look out. Bottles it all up. My dad is a different story he explodes and explodes often some of how I deal with fusteration comes from him to the yelling swearing throwing stuff sometimes but its usually not directed towards people more fusterations and things.

I am scared to really let my anger get the best of me towards people because its such a delicate thing. But as I was saying I have to learn to not let peoples comments get to me the nitpicky ones especially. Because in the end no one is perfect and usually in the end it all works out. Its just another day most of the time and I mean I am a worrier for sure, I am getting more aware though of the worry thoughts and the ones that are getting me no where but more stress because you cannot control life sometimes, no matter how convinced you are that you can. Things will happen when they happen. I see other people sometimes that just are so uptight about everything esp. at work and I think to myself sometimes  you know lifes too short to stress out on all these little things you need to save your energy for the bigger things and in my life so far I have had the luck to have more little annoyances than huge ones I dont know how some people cope with those big issues, esp. death. Knock of wood. Sometimes we live too much in the present and dont see the big picture.

Seeing the big picture for me is usually all it takes to help me calm the fuck down.