treating the symptom not the problem

for a long time i tell myself its my drinking it my sleeping around. what it really is what happened to me as a child and my beliefs about myself and the world. my self esteem my sense of self. I have it in me to turn it all around. I have the wisdom all I need is the courage to face what happened.

I need to go somewhere to get some compassion and encouragement. not tough love and critism. i need to go somewhere i can feel accepted and not alone.

i wrote some poetry last nigt and bought a book for the first time in awhile. i am some what trying to slow down from leading this fast life. i am thinking about joining some type of exercise. i called this place that offers free kickboxing to women of violent. but am considering other options too. i am thinking about starting on designing and making my jewelry again so this time i can start creating a line to sell. just need to put it all into action slowly….

Heres some of the poetry I came up with last night. not the most positive but it helps me express myself…

So Out Of It

I dont know if I am even here

I operate on auto pilot

Never considering how this in the end will make me feel

Am I really living

Or just distracting myself from a bigger purpose

And if so how do I find it

Where do I go?

Often

Think of you often

Wish I could just wash you away

The time we spent wasnt long

I knew it wouldnt be too strong

But I never thought it woud end this way

No closure

Sometimes I wish I could call you just to say her

Than I wake up and realize your not there anymore

So I am trying to repulicate you

But you cannot be replaced

I laugh and say to my friends its all over

But its all to save face

I felt so much for you

All a waste