ashamed

I am basically drinking every day. some days more than most. last night more than most.. so i told myself i will calm the fuck down tonight and not drink. i drink away the lonliness the boredness all the fucked up memories.

still really dealing with some of the after effects of the sexual abuse. i wish i had someone to talk to but I dont really. My therapist is really unreliable and lately i just dont feel like going to any support groups or anything like that i am too ashamed i guess. a part of me doesnt want to deal with it all and a part of me wants to at least a little bit. I am still insecure about my job and worry about loosing it almost everyday I work it. I am still giving myself little heart attacks from every mistake I make not sure whether or not my mistakes or little ones or big ones and hoping they are small. I have to remind myself not to obsess or beat myself up about it all. I am only human and the job is still new to me. I am taking more and more responsibility on gradually and I worry I will not be able to keep up but than again I remind myself to take things as they come.

I really should find a good therapist.

lately all i can think about is my old neighbour who raped me and I guess just obsessing over it and yearning to see and hear him again. we left things off fine i know i must be quite crazy. i beat myself up for thinking so much about it when I am sure he does not have a single thought about me. i am sure. i dont know why i think of him so much but i wish i could stop. i think of him more than i think of my ex boyfriends.

but you know life is not too bad there are some great moments lately mixed in with the stressful. i am doing some online dating and fucking around but i find it tedious and a waste of time lately. none of the guys i meet online look anything like their gorgeous pictures its all just a trickery of good angles and older pictures. but not only that there is no chemistry. i tend to attract the crazy types. one of the guys i met up with seemed pretty cool until he knew for sure he could not get into my pants than he started driving like a maniac and almost hitting a homeless guy at a cross walk on the walk sign. that was the last straw for me. after he dropped me off trying to be all sweet again i told him that he may find better luck with the hookers on jarvis. i cannot stand a mans arrogance and agression.

anyways i have been thinking a lot about travelling I dont even know where specifically but I was thinking maybe Montreal or something. I mean I basically have the time and the money to go on a short mini vacay I am honestly getting quite sick of Toronto and I just need a change of scenery. The issue is who to go with. I mean I could go away myself as my bros gf suggested but I dont know Id rather have someone to go with. we will see i guess.