anything to fill the emptiness

i feel so empty again. thats why i use, that why i seek to be abused. thats why i venture into dangerous situations and relish the fact that after all of it I can focus on recovering from its effects instead of just this emptiness. i thrive on excitement and when its not there i am bored listless and unmotivated. i need pain to motivate me i need excitement to motivate me i need something to look forward to. i need to feel deeply because otherwise i am not feeling at all. i want change change at all costs. going here seeing this person doing this doing that. never stopping for long.

my disorder is a symptom in itself i am not content with the emptiness which is something i have to learn to accept if i am going to grow. but the thing that is getting in my way is my fear and unwillingness to commit to this fullly. at first its easy but than i change into someone i cannot recognize and it scares me suddenly my life is this calm boring thing and i cant stand it. i am like a child always damanding stimulation.

i envy people who llike a secular straightforward life. people who are what they appear but deep down i do not want to be that person or live that life.  i am ashamed and i allow my shame to continue to eat at me and as an excuse to keep living so dangerously. i fear for my sanity that one day it will just be too much. that i will dig this huge hole that i wont be able to escape from and pick myself up from. it will be too late and i will drive myself mad and realize that i will never be satisfied and fufilled but instead of seeking safety and stability i will run off a cliff.