update

so I havent wrote on here for awhile been putting it off and just not feeling in the mood

so i went to shadow someone before I took the job and I decided that I am going to take it. the good thing about taking this job is that when I am all trained and that i wont be supervised which is great because it makes me nervous to have someone breathing down my neck. i start next wed. but there is still some information they want from me and i did send it in but they are running into some problems with the city of toronto apparently and it sucks. the city told the company that there is also some changes being made to the job and it scares me to think about what they may be i am hoping the changes dont affect me and me getting the job. but i cant worry too much it could be something miniscule or something irrelevent i dont know though. it gave me a sort of sinking feelilng in my gut it would really suck if i go through all the trouble of the two really thorough job interviews and seeing the job and telling everyone and being all excited to some minor glitch or change and not getting it. butttt i cant think too far ahead and worry myself sick about it.

last week i went up north to a native reserve with my company i speak with. If you wanna know about my job go here : http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D853898&entry=10051&mode=

it was pretty cool because i got to experience a different culture and meet native youth hear their stories as well as share mine. I even had this thing called indian tacos which is like bread and like pretty much the standard stuff u would put on a tex mex taco but the bread pastry thing was called a scone i think and was homemade.

the youth themselves were very quiet and kind of shy and reserved. i dont think they are used to having new people come to their reserve and town and be so open about things like drugs and drinking and violence. it toook awhile for them to open up and talk but once they did they came alive. i enjoy that part of my job the most. talking to youth and i love when they feel they can open up to me about their struggles and accomplishments. youth are so strong, resourceful and hopeful i think at times. i have never gotten a youth come up to me and complain or be bitter. i hear alot of struggle and pain but not once have i heard any of them feel sorry for themselves. they really inspire me. esp the youth in areas that are so isolated. i mean i grew up in the country so i kind of know what it feels like to feel isolated, alone , bored and have a lack of resources and support to help me but for these kids the nearest movie theatre,bowling alley or mall is at LEAST two to three hours away. and most are still too young to drive and there is no busses or public transportation to take them to these places. it makes me sad. but some love it and would never like to live in the city one kid said hed hate to live so close to another house all crowded and cramped.

we stayed at a cabin on the lake which was peaceful and quiet and nice. its nice to get away from all the noise and distractions really. i would have really enjoyed it more i think if the weather was a bit nicer but oh well.

i am really struggling at the moment with my drinking and other things and i feel very ashamed about this. a part of me wants to be a better person and another part of me hates the pressure of having to feel like i have to be a role model to other people and an inspiration when really all i want to be is a regular person with a regular life. sometimes i think that a lot of the reason i quit drinking and all that is for other people and not myself. i mean it seems to start that way sometimes. i mean this time the decision to quit was done a lot quieter. and more for myself. its just i lack the motivation to continue to not drink and act out. i lack the support i need to move forward in a lot of ways. but i also know i cannot blame others for my failures and i have to take responsibililty because there are people in my life that i have to help me stay sober but i am too ashamed to talk to them and tell them that i messed up like three times. ugh.

but anyways. trying to re focus somewhat but i really dont want to. i know all this stems from my anxiety of my new job and the responsibility of it. when good things happen to me i sometimes feel like i do not deserve them and sometimes sabatoge them. i am really not comfortable with good things a whole lot. i am always expecting the worst and for a long time in my life a lot of what i got wasnt all that positive or great. life now is a lot more stable and calm