The Talk

Even through this difficult situation, we both handled it in the most perfect way that we could for each other.

I still have some question marks in my head but the bottom line is that I do trust him and there’s no reason I shouldn’t believe what he says.

We sat on his bed, and I started in. Very slowly, because tears came immediately. I was scared to a) say out loud that I snooped and b) hear what his possible explanation could be. I put emphasis on the intuition part, and how knowing that something is true without proof makes me feel like a crazy person and I just needed to confirm or deny.

Before I spit it out, I had to take several deep breaths because I do not like disappointing people. But then I reaffirmed to myself that he had fucked up too.

“I looked at your Facebook.” and I looked at him in the eye, carefully observing his reaction.

He got a mini embarrassed smile on his face and said “Oh… Boo….” like I shouldn’t have done that. Yeah duh now it’s your turn.

He opened his laptop and began to explain, trying to open up his Facebook to give me a point by point. I asked him not to. Seeing it once was more than enough.

He explained the whole background with her. After breaking things off with a chick he dated last february, he went to his favorite bar for nearly 2 weeks straight. He met another regular there, Melissa, whom he drunkenly hooked up with a few times and went on a couple dates with, until her dog bit his hand and she never paid up the doctor’s bill.

Since then, she’s messaged him every couple of months saying that she misses him. He never acknowledges, or rather, reciprocates, her “missing.” He is a genuinely nice guy, I mean, so wonderful of a human it blows me away, so he half heartedly responds making small talk and that’s about it. I saw that. I read it.

She never quite got the hint and for some reason didn’t see the fact that I am ALL over his Facebook… I write on his wall”you’re my favorite” etc and there are a ton of pics of us together, some from Chicago for fucks sake, and it’s pretty fucking obvious that he’s in a relationship but she apparently doesn’t care.

So on Friday, when she told him the whole “I am attracted to you” bullshit, he said he was finally like, okay. This needs to stop, it’s getting annoying and he didn’t want to feel obligated to respond to her.

He didn’t want to tell her over Facebook because he thinks that is insensitive. I told him that I’ve told people over text or Facebook that I have a boyfriend, and would have no problem doing so to someone who clearly doesn’t have boundaries and comes on a little too strong. But Paco says he doesn’t play that way.

His plan was to meet with her for A drink, tell her that he has a girlfriend, etc, and then come see me and tell me everything.

I know, it sounds terribly heroic and convenient and fills in all the blanks. Almost too convenient. But like I said, I can’t pick it apart.

I asked him why he didn’t just tell me that all in the first place if he was going to tell it to me after the fact anyway. He said he just wanted to get it over with without upsetting me. Kind of like the whole “better to ask for forgiveness than permission.” my words, not his.

I said, don’t you think it would’ve been a thousand times better to come clean up front, or even when I gave you the opportunity that morning when I told you I was worried about her intentions? He said yes, and he should’ve, and he’s sorry.

There were a lot of apologies. And sad searching eyes. On both of our parts.

I asked what makes him think he needs to lie to me about that, or anything? Are my reactions usually do outlandish that I force him to lie? He said no, of course not, and he repeated that he wanted all of this to happen with little to-do.

We both fucked up. When I asked him if he was upset with me, he said he is a bit shocked, but not mad… Because it was almost eye for an eye.

I went on about the importance of honesty and trust. I told him that I would never look on his Facebook or violate his belongings or trust ever again as long as he was completely honest with me.

We were both so eager to reconcile, to make it better, to repair, both shameful and forgiving.

About her having a boyfriend…. As if it matters at all, he said she does. I didn’t pry, or ask to see proof, but he wouldn’t lie in that conversation. It sounds like she is such a fucking idiot that no matter her relationship status or his, she wants him.

I don’t think I need to mention how much I’d like to punch this bitch in the face.

We hugged, kissed, my tears finally dried, and the rest of the evening things were back to normal and even a little more ideal.

The sex that night….. Wow. I mean… make up sex is incredible when the fight makes you really internalize how much this person means, how much you love them.

One of the best parts… He left me alone three times in his room with his laptop open for extended periods of time. He still trusts me. And I promised him, and I’m promising myself… Unless I have a feeling like I had, I will not snoop. The good news is, we are both so in tune with each other that if I pay attention, I would know when something isn’t right. He can always sense a problem within me too. He is so good at drawing my issues out of me, whether it’s something about him or an outside issue, and I always talk with him about it. And I feel better after. It’s liberating.

While this was a fairly big blip in our story, it also gives me eve more faith that he and I can get through anything together, and I know we both have the best intentions for us.

I have to say, in addition to this… I am extremely proud of myself for the way this was handled. Being honest and admitting my faults was extremely difficult, but I knew that honesty and trust are VITAL for a lasting and healthy relationship. We would never have been as pure and clean as we can be if I’d kept it to myself, thus perpetuating the string of lies, paranoia, violations.

Maybe in the past, I would’ve done something like spied or lost my trust in him completely and repeatedly snooped to catch him in a lie, but that would be digging the hole for our coffin. Basically punishing us to death. No relationship could survive with that level of deceit.

Also, I never accused him. I told him that I looked at his Facebook, and the explanations flooded. I never said, “this is what I saw” and I didn’t need to. He was eager to dispell my toxic thoughts. Communication is all it takes… If you lie, shit spins out of control. Clearly, as evidenced by this situation. He told me that he would be honest with me, even if he knows the truth will upset me.

This love that we have is so strong and pure. I never knew this could exist. I’m so happy that we can take this and learn and grow.