why do i fall?

 my heart aches right now.

it shouldn’t.  it down right shouldn’t.

if you can bear through it, I’d love some thoughts. I’ll throw pennies at ya…maybe more.

After getting accidentally REALLY drunk last night (bartender was giving doubles. I always forget that he does this…just one in particular), I stayed over night at T’s.  I saw T at the bar my friends and I were hanging at.  I was up getting a drink and there he was.  He told me he walked this girl home all the way to Cameron and 17th, which from downtown is a LONG way. At least a mile on way.  He said his legs were just chaffed and he was tired and going home after the 1 beer he had at Daze.  Part of me wonders why he came in there in the first place if he was so tired.  He has the same beer he was drinking at his house.  Anyways, he said he was tired and going home, said his adieu and left.  Inside I was a little sad, but shook it off. I was having fun with  my friends.  At 1 I decided to go home.  I passed a bar and noticed T was in there =/ went to my car and as I sat in my car…I realized I was way too drunk to even THINK about driving.  I headed back and saw that my friends were sitting outside the bar T was at.  They decided to go in and we said hi to him. He was plastered. It was slightly amusing but he was way more drunk than I’d ever seen him.  We all left at bar time, and as usual I asked if I could use T’s bathroom before I went home.  Plus I was still too drunk to drive.

We walked back to his place, taking part in the usual shenanigans.  Some little face slaps, trips, kicks, goofing around.  He made a move for once and grabbed my face and kissed me. I hated that I enjoyed every second of it.  I didn’t want him to get the satisfaction that he makes me melt sometimes so I shoved him off and kept walking.  Sometimes I wonder if I have a similar effect on him and that’s why he’s got his "hard to get" attitude…but that’s probably me just hoping.  After grabbing food, we went to his apartment…he took place in his usual chair and I at the usual spot on the couch. We watched some show I was unfamiliar with..and I noticed he was passing out.  That was fine. Honestly, I was way okay with it and had no presumptions about the evening. I asked if he was going to pass out on me and he just responded with "what do you think?" jack ass.  I just said okay, I’m going to use your bathroom quick and then I’ll head out.  I think he was expecting me to make a move, because when I came out of the bathroom he had stood up, made his move and said he suddenly wasn’t in the mood for sleep. 

We wrestled around a little. Nothing that serious.  He asked for one thing in particular and I said no…something I’ve only done 3-4 times. He asked why and at first, my true response, I said "because we aren’t dating. I don’t do that with someone I’m not seeing regularly."  He said something along the lines of him breaking his own rules so maybe I should break some of mine.  So I just shot back at him "have you ever made me come?" and he backed off and said "fair enough."  At that moment I also realized that the man who I will most likely be marrying has never made me come without me doing most of the work either.  it was a quick slap in the face before i chose to forget about it.

He was ready to pass out once more and I asked if he wanted me to stay or go. I know he’s all weird about getting too close to girls when he doesn’t want anything from them (well except sex of course).  He said he didn’t care, but I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.  To be honest, I just wanted someone to sleep with…someone to hold me occasionally, someone to nuzzle up against. Ugh i’m pathetic. Anyways, he was not only drunk but borderline passed out and I think he was deliberately mumbling.I couldn’t understand a word he said, and I sorta wanted my own at this point.  I asked him again and got mumbo jumbo so i said "a or b." he chose b, which resulted in me staying and he was okay with it.  We cuddled and it was nice, a rarity, and I took in every moment of it.

In the midst of the morning I woke to him sorta kissing me or trying to. He was still asleep. And he kissed my forehead. Ugh. stuff i wish Justin did. Or maybe I forget that he has? I don’t even know anymore.

I left this morning, neither of us saying a word which is usual.  I had a little sadness in me while I was driving.  One, the dissatisfaction of the night, other than cuddling, but two because I knew that something like that would never happen again with him. I forgot about it the rest of the day

But just a couple hours ago my friend was asking what happened. I told her we fooled around a little but nothing heavy. Then I told her some of the things I had written before in a previous entry…how I have some hardcore feelings for him that need to just go away. How I probably won’t ever do anything with him ever again just because Justin is going to be here by the end of the week and we will most likely be official almost as soon as he’s here.  We aren’t really right now, so I feel jst OKAY about the T thing. I’m not going to tell him (Justin) because he doesn’t need to know, and frankly, T is DEFINITELY someone who doesn’t kiss and tell.  One of his friends sorta knows the odd connection we have and has asked him once or twice and T always says he is by himself watching tv or something. good for him.

Anyways, the conversation with my friend brought out some stupid emotions in me.  My heart feels empty. Slightly hurt. Broken?  Not hardcore broken, but…it feels sad. Not just me. But my heart. I feel like I fell for him.   It’s so confusing. I know nothing would ever amount to anything with T. He doesn’t want a relationship. Hell even if he did, he doesn’t have time! He has 4 jobs, though soon to be 3, but still, he gets one day off a week, and most nights he drinks his time away.  Plus, I have the love of someone who 1. I don’t deserve but 2. wants to be with me and I could be with and be happy.  I guess I’m just confused because…I have these stupid fricken feelings for the person I can’t have (isn’t that always the way it is?) and the one I can have is here.  

Well not HERE here.  I’m sure that’s a huge part of the reason too.  If Justin was here all this time, there would be none of this.  I never thought I’d be someone who needs a relationship all the time, and while I don’t need a RELATIONSHIP all the time, i do need a lot of love and affection of some sort. When i don’t have it, I go looking for it.  It’s so hard too when T does a lot of little things that I wish Justin and i would do. Is it just a form of flirting that just doesn’t happen between us 2 anymore because we’ve known each other for so long? With T– I love the tickles, the pokes, the kiss on the forehead, and when he makes a go for my boob and I pull his hand away, he just holds my hand so I can’t prevent him, and he does it anyway because he knows in reality I want it. I don’t get any of that with Justin.

It makes me wonder too if I just really don’t love Justin anymore…if it’s just all gone and I’ve just bee

n trying too hard to push for this relationship to make him happy because I know that he loves me a lot and I wouldn’t ever want to hurt him…or again, if it’s just out of sight out of mind.  I guess I will find out this week.  I feel like I go through this every time he comes here. I can’t tell if I love him and I’m just used to him when he’s here, and then out of sight out of mind when he’s not, or if I just plain don’t love him anymore.  I don’t even know if I want to get married anymore either.  I know i have plenty of time, but it’s not quite that way when someone’s dying to be with you and is getting older and older.

Meanwhile I happen to fall hard for someone who does the little things right, and some of the bigger things wrong. I know the bigger things are more important.  But it doesn’t change how my heart feels right now.

I’m praying this is only loneliness. I hope Justin being here will make me feel better again, and to be honest, after T quits, I kind of hope I don’t really have to see him again.  I’m already starting to get sad just listening to a song I now love because of him….and earlier in the car I could randomly smell him.

I’m going to miss those kisses in his sleep.

sigh.

why must I fall?