A day to think

 Today has been an odd day…a day of thinking and emotions.  Mixed emotions yes, but I sort of like this.

Sometimes I feel like my room is perfect for this.  The only lighting I have in here is dim lighting, and during the day it is bright because of the sun.  Rainy days, like today, it has exactly that feel of a rainy day.  Dim lighting from windows, and a candle burning in the corner. Sometimes it all makes me feel like I’m high, though I wouldn’t know what that feels like as I never have been. On drugs anyways. Nature? yes. oh yes. It’s similar to that.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately.  Really random things.  I think about one thing…develop it and go through some sort of lengthy thought process…and then it instantly thinks of something unrelated.

I hate going out lately.  I’ve been going out way too much, but the sad thing is, a huge part of it is because of getting dressed.  I feel like I wear the same type of stuff out all the time.  It’s because I feel fat in everything.  I try on SO many clothes before I go out, which I know is typical of most girls, but still.  Every time I look in the mirror I feel fat and disgusting.  I have super cute outfits. So many. But i feel like when my little roll can be seen (with assistance to my bras pushing down on it some), I am disgusting.  I revert to black tops, which when worn every single time, I feel sad and pathetic. I need variety, but my self image won’t let me do it.  It’s truly a struggle right now. My lifestyle with work and all is not helping my little health/workout kick.  The health part isn’t bad. I need to work out and finding motivation after/before 11 hour days and weekends in general is difficult.

I look different from what I see in a mirror.  When I see myself in a mirror, I feel like I look older.  But when I take my picture… I look younger.  I look my age.  It’s weird.  It’s like the opposite of the size thing when it comes to mirror and pictures.  When I see myself in a mirror, I actually see myself a little smaller, some days, than what’s taken in a picture.  wtf?  What is true? Am I just younger and bigger in person?  Or is what I see in the mirror just truly delusional?

I like Tim. Damnit.  I didn’t want to.  I acknowledged his hotness and the level of attraction I’ve had for him a while ago.  On a drunken night I over-shared a big part of me that’s kept hidden from the vanilla world.  He now has access to it, and utilizes it. It makes me like him more.

His scent of choice is intoxicating.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way.  I can’t tell if it’s his cologne or body wash.  But man when he comes into work. I can’t breathe.  I inhale whatever magic fragrance he applies to himself, and I can’t seem to let air back out.  I hold my breath without realizing it.  Sometimes I even get a little turned on. I wish I could bury my face in him and just smell him.  Even when I don’t smell his scent though…sometimes I catch myself holding my breath. And the need to scream. What does this mean? Crap.

Do you have songs associated with certain people?  Of course you do, almost all of us do.  Sure, you listen to certain types of music with certain types of people, but there’s always one that stands out for each person, whether they like that song or not.  For instance, the song "I Can Be" by Taio Cruz reminds me of Justin EVERY time.  The first time I visited him in 2008, we were on a bus headed to London with some of his family and he was listening to the song on his iphone.  He paused it at a part and he whispered to me "this song is about my cock" and he played it for me and all I heard was "bigger, bigger, harder harder, stronger stronger."  We had a good laugh, and eventually he had me listen to the whole song.  Ever since then, that song is his song. haha.  There are others…Sometimes it’s any song by a particular band, other times it’s just one song.

So what if you find yourself listening to a song that reminds you of someone..over and over again?  What if you like a song that’s associated with someone a lot more than you like another song that’s associated with another someone?  Does it mean anything?

(this is what I mean by over thinking today)

I cried today talking to Justin on skype.  His grandad will probably pass overnight.  He probably has already.  I only met his grandad 2 or 3 times.  Once every time I’ve been over there.  He was one of the first people I really clicked with. He kept asking me questions about Wisconsin…mostly what type of animals we have here "do you have bears!?!?" so sweet.  I think I cried because, well, he’s close to the family of someone I will probably be with the rest of my life.

Then I cried just now reading someone’s journal entry from the U.K.  For a split second I thought about packing all of my stuff up and leaving to live in England.  I started crying because I don’t want to.  I don’t think I can live over there.  As much as I like being far away from my family or at least not around them all the time, I wish I could go see them whenever I felt like it.  But I can’t.  I’m only 4 hours away, so, yes I get to see them every couple of months or so.  But when I move to England…it’ll be more like once a year.  I’m not ready to pack up my life here and move it so far away.  I like it here. A lot.  Justin is sorta ready to leave there.  He’s spent half his life, basically, living with his parents now, and has WAY more family time already than I probably ever will in my life.  He’s okay and ready to pick up and leave and come be with me.  But life would be better/easier if we started there.

All of this has me wondering what I’m doing.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m settling.  Why am I geeking out over Tim, someone who told me he does not want any form of relationship or nothing serious at all, who I find extremely attractive and whatever else?  He can be an ass sometimes, and yet I look past it.  Hell, he gargled with lemon and lime juice for me once because i said his breath was really bad from smoking.  Do I feel this way because he’s just new and exciting? Why can’t I breathe when I’m around Tim, and not so much Justin?  Justin, this person who I committed my life to, though we broke up, we are going to get back together..it’s pretty much in the making already…wedding planning and such.  I love Justin. But I don’t feel excited about him.  Is it because we’ve been doing this for so long?  Am I jaded?  I can’t see myself ever breaking it off with him again.  I care about him too much to hurt him.  He’s like my best friend.  Aren’t you supposed to marry your best friend?

Justin is and does everything I want.  I don’t say that in a way where I GET what I want from me…rather, he fulfills the majority of my needs and wants.  Sexually…I feel like there is some struggle.

Tim, sexually..I know we’re there.  No sex required to tell this. The tension is strong. We have way more in co

mmon than Justin and I have… and yet, I don’t know I could get what I need/want from him…long term.

It doesn’t matter in the end. I’m sure I’m marrying Justin.

This is all just very confusing.

I’m going to head to bed for an early night and enjoy the sweet sound of a song that reminds me of … someone.