Dreams so real – your thoughts?

 I wanted to post this on FB or FL, with hopes to more feedback, but I didn’t feel like having people messaging me afterwards asking what’s going on.

I’m pretty sure I had a couple different dreams last night….it felt like more than one, but it all merge together, and I don’t remember waking up between any transition.  The dreams were about Andy and Darlene again.  I’ve been having tons of bad dreams about them lately.  I’m sure it’s because I still love them and I’m just still heart broken.  Yesterday I finally got an email from Darlene and it was just very cold and straight forward sounding….like she was just emailing me for me and like she really didn’t want to.  When I send her my email, to be honest, I thought similarly of mine, but I went back and tried to make it a little friendlier.  I shouldn’t overlook it.  It’s hard when you still care about someone and love them and you can’t be with them..and you’re trying to move on, but you also still want to hold on.

My dream(s?) felt so real last night I literally woke up feeling like I had to puke.  I actually ran to the bathroom because I could feel it was there.  Nothing came out, but i still have that feeling in my throat….like it’s just sitting there waiting to happen.  After a couple minutes of actually trying, I just started crying.  I haven’t cried in quite a while, that I know of anyways…and I wonder if my body just needed it.  Most of you girls know what I’m talking about…sometimes we just NEED to cry and sometimes we end up crying about nothing.  I had a good hardcore cry this morning, and I’ve had the debate of emailing Darlene.  If I did email her, I was wondering whether or not I should tell her about the dream…ask her if she’s moved on….ask her if she still wants to keep in touch or if she’s doing it just for me.  In her email it seemed like it was just for me.  At this point I’m wondering if maybe I should cut all ties with her.  I’ve always been a person who wants to maintain a friendship after a relationship….after all, you obviously care about one another if you’ve been together, and have fun together etc.  Sometimes it takes a while to get to that point…some space is needed between.  I’m often hurt if someone else does not want to still be friends after a relationship….but for the first time I’m seriously in someone’s shoes who doesn’t want to be around after the break up.  I get knots in my stomach when I see one of their facebook statuses, or when I see something Darlene does on FL, and when Jorge told me the other day he saw that she met up with a girl…a girl I know they’ve both become interested in lately…I felt dizzy and physically sick.  Now last night, or this morning rather, I had a dream about them in which Andy was leading me on, saying he thinks maybe things could work…he was feeling better about me after just needing some space…etc etc, but then Darlene said she downright HATED me and wanted NOTHING to do with me, and he became that way too.  In the end they were fucking with me, and I think knowing that is when I woke up ready to throw up.

I’ve always been one of those people too who HAS to know what’s going on, even if it hurts me inside.  I want to stay friends 1. because I did have a lot of fun with her when we hung out, even vanilla, but also 2. I just want to know what’s going on, even if it hurts me.

It’s just one of those things where I don’t know if I can handle the pain.  I’m sure it will just take time.  I’d give us a lot more space, for a fair period of time…but part of me knows that if I/we do that, that that will end up being the end of it, and the most we’ll ever hear from each other again is "hi, how are you, hope you are doing well." and that sucks.

Any thoughts about all this?