Wrath

<— Go thataway to get the lowdown on why this next conversation even happened.

Text messages:

Bobby: I see you took me off your friends list. Why? So you don’t want to talk to me again?
Me: You’ve lied to me. You apparently think I’m stupid.
Bobby: I don’t understand. I know you work hard and are. Just let me know if that is what you want.
Me: You don’t understand what?
Bobby: That you think I emply that your stupid. I still dont remember all that happened. Thats hard enough,why is that so hard to believe Rachel?
Me: You’re not a very good liar, bobby. You can drop the game now.
Bobby: And if people dont talk to each other because the other thought they lied,than I would not want to talk to you.
Bobby: What game? What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I know what happened last week. You never got hurt. Just incredibly drunk.
Bobby: And so telling you all what happened would change your mind? I dont think it would. Besides, I was lied to. Im going to send you an email.

Email:

Bobby:
I dont get it. All this talk of being honest and that didnt work for us in  the end. For one, we are not in one another’s lives, at least in person. The only contact that we would have would be text or emails. And now you want to cut that off?
Look, I dont know how you feel about our ending,but I for one seem to be the only one that was affected in the way that I was and are. I have tried to explain it to you, but its like you dont listen, you heard, but didnt understand.
I had my complete life turned upside down on this. I dont think you know how that feels. I went from having a job, house to live, and someone to talk to about how I feel or felt about things.
Heading home, I realized fully that now I have none of things, none. I have no job, no where to live, and now I have lost my best friend over something as stupid as not living up to expectations.
Is that really where this has gone?
Somewhere I never wanted it to?
I lost everything. What a feeling, more than a feeling. Its crushing and terrible. All I wanted you to do was tell me the truth about anything that I was doing wrong, or right. Communication, I’m not a mind reader, and dont intend on becoming one.
I’m sorry that you feel this way. Or dont feel at all. You told me once that you had been on the side that I am on. I dont know if that is true. If you did, than I dont think that this would be the outcome.
I am trying to look at it as something that just didnt work, but I still feel cheated. I didnt have chance when it came to your silence.
So those little comments I would make, or things that have been said, were all spoken out of feelings that I am trying to sort out. I dont think that it should be held against me. I can understand if you want to break contact for awhile, until I get back on my feet, but to cut this off entirely would be based off heated thoughts and feelings.
Dont shut me out of your life Rachel, please dont. I think that you are one of the most interesting people I have ever met. I have already lost you intimately, I dont want to lose you all together.
Tell me what I can do from here to make that happen.
Please dont say that you are going to say nothing. Time off contact, something has got to give.
What do you want me to say or tell you?
Would it make a difference anyways?
Telling you what you want to hear?
What?
I feel bad enough for what has happened, please dont kick me while I’m down, please.
I beg of you.
What has been done has been done.
All I can say is that I will contact you in the future, from time to time to see how you are doing in life. Hopefully, you can find it in your heart forgive me, I know that I have already forgiven you, for what ever and all things.
I of course am going to give each other time.
But this is what they say about friends, its an old saying.

"A friend is one who knows you as you are,
understands where you have been,
accepts who you have become,
and still invites you to grow."

I still concider you a friend Rachel, I always will, that was the last thing I implied when I saw you last on that day. It still hurts looking at your face in my mind. It doesnt go away.
Please respond.
Bobby

Me:
This no longer has anything to do with our relationship.  This now has everything to do with the little stunt you pulled last week.

No, I couldn’t be with you in the condition you were in, and yes, I fell out of love with you.  How could I be attracted to someone that reeked of alcohol every single day?  How could I be attracted to someone who, instead of looking for a job, thought that they could just wait for a great one to come along?  I hate to tell you, but that’s not how the world works.  The only person who can make something of your life is you!  I pride myself on being independent and self-sufficient, and although I haven’t always been, I have worked my ass off to become that way.  I never realized until now that it’s a quality that I expect to see in my partner and that I appreciate more than any other.  What you did for me didn’t even matter, because you did nothing for yourself.

I wanted to be your friend, Bobby.  I tried to tell you that.  It’s not like I was going to drop you and never see or speak to you again.  I tried to get you to stay in Colorado, make a life for yourself… do something for yourself.  But instead, you only heard what you wanted to hear.  You only heard enough to make you feel sorry for yourself, and you ran away.  You didn’t even give your own life a chance to turn into something great.  I was hoping this experience would be a kick in the ass for you.  I was hoping that you would realize you were heading down a slippery, dangerous path.  At first, I thought you had gotten it.  I thought you understood.  After New Years, you stopped drinking and starting working on your career.  I was proud of you.  I had a new found respect for you.  Then I realized, you weren’t making these changes for yourself.  You were making them for me.  It should never have been about me!  You were and are in complete denial about having problems.  How can you ever accomplish your goals if you can’t even set these goals for yourself?

You had it all wrong when you ranted and raved about "what am I doing for you now?"  You were completely wrong.  What are you doing for yourself?

All of these things you mention — my silence, my lack of feeling for you — this is not new news.  Why do you continue to bring it up?  We’ve already hashed this out, and quite frankly, I’m over it.  It’s just becoming pathetic and annoying now.  You say that you were lied to.  You say that I shou

ld’ve told you from the beginning that I had a problem with your "habits."  Yes, and I’ve already admitted that.  But do you really think that this even compares with what you did last week?

How dare you fake an accident to try to play on my sympathy.  How dare you fake amnesia to make me… what?  Make me hurt because I think you don’t remember me and our relationship?  I know that you were drunk when you came up with this elaborate little scheme, but you didn’t even try to rectify the situation when you sobered up.  Instead, you thought you could just play it out, like your memory came back little by little.  Do you realize that you are psychotic?  And to think that you really believed I would fall for it, that you really believe I was that stupid… is insulting!  How did your dad feel when you called him Wednesday night to have him back up your story?  Did you really think he would lie to me?  Instead, he just refused to talk to me at all.  I’m sure he was immensely proud of you in that moment.

You have stooped to a low that, in my eyes, you will never be able to pick yourself up from.  I am disgusted with you right now.  You better be glad you’re in Chattanooga, because if you could feel the wrath inside me right now, you would run.  You would run far away.  You need help, but I know you will never get it.  You will never reach out for help because you will never admit that you have a problem.  I’m not kicking you when you’re down, Bobby.  You brought this on yourself.  You made your own bed, and it’s not my fault that you’re having to lie in it.

Rachel