Manipulative

Well, last night certainly did not go as I had anticipated. When I got home, Bobby was playing Gears of War online with a buddy, so I quickly ate dinner — more yummy, pesto pizza.  Afterwards, Monday Night Raw came on.  I know it’s completely silly, but I really didn’t want to miss the show.  Sunday night was an awesome PPV (complete with one of my favorite wrestlers tearing his quad and putting himself out of the ring for the next six months), and I wanted to see the aftermath.  I had planned on having the talk with him just after Raw, but he almost immediately passed out on the couch.  I thought that was it and that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him about how I was feeling, but I was wrong.

Around 10pm, Bobby began to stir a little. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him I was going to sleep.  I crawled into bed, and he soon followed.  He slid under the covers next to me and draped his arms over my side. Then he said it.  "I think things have gotten a lot better between us this past week."  What?!  It’s like he’s been in complete denial since New Years.  I asked him why he thought that, thus initiating the dreaded conversation.

We spent probably two hours sitting in the dark, smoking cigarettes, and talking.  I felt like a teenager with my legs curled up indian style, sneaking a smoke under the covers.  I told Bobby how I feel numb, how I’m not happy or sad or anything.  I’m emotionless.  I told him how I felt after sex Sunday night, and that this loss of feeling has happened to me before.  It never came back.  I cried, and he got frustrated.  He never got angry with me. The conversation was actually very calm. At first, he told me that he felt like a fool. He said that he had followed his heart, and that he’d be embarrassed to go back to Chattanooga with his tail tucked between his legs.  He also said that he feels exactly the same for me that he always has, and he thinks it’s completely unfair that I don’t.  Then things took a very strange turn.

He started asking me about all my past relationships. He wanted to know how many times this has happened in the past, have I ever had a relationship where I didn’t eventually become numb, that sort of thing.  He started saying that he knows that I still have those feelings for him, that I just need to uncover them. He totally turned the whole thing around on me, saying that I was just giving up and not fighting for our relationship, and he said that he’s not willing to let me do that. He told me that he thinks I need to talk to a therapist to "get in touch with my own feelings." His exact words were, "Well, this is obviously nothing that I’ve done wrong. You just have a problem realizing your own true feelings."

No matter how many times I told him that these feelings never come back, he argued that they’re not really gone, that I’m just "blocking" them. He said that I just want to revert back to my old ways so I’ve put a shield up around myself.  He apparently thinks that I can make myself feel the way I used to. I asked him if he’s ever been able to make himself love or enjoy something that he didn’t already, and he claims yes. That is complete, utter bullshit.  I told him it would be like him suddenly loving sushi when he can’t even stand the smell of cooked fish. He didn’t like my analogy.

I don’t know what to do.  I felt like he was trying to manipulate me into saying exactly what he wanted to hear last night.  He had to bring me to work this morning since his car is out of commission.  We didn’t say a word to each other the whole drive here, but he’s been texting me all day.  In fact, he just sent one to tell me that he got the job.  He starts Monday, and they told him to expect to make $100k+ a year.  He also sent me a MySpace message earlier.  He actually wrote and sent a message to me last night after I had fallen asleep, but for some reason I didn’t get it and it didn’t show up in his sent box.  Here’s what he sent this afternoon:

Sorry, the previous message was written last night, and it didnt get to you. So I guess I will make this an overlay, and summerize as best as I can reviewing last night.

I wrote this to you to remind you that something has to be done as far as all that has come to light.
I want to be with you and you know that. I wanted you to talk to someone that might be better at figuring out why you are numb. If the understanding of why you are numb can be seen, than you will be able to move passed it. That is what I was trying to say to you last night. I think that this relationship is something special, and judging from what you have said about it the past, you feel the same way.
I have already said that I am willing to do anything to get it back to the way it was. Group or one on one. I dont care. I’m not going to take this lying down, and you know that.
You said that the sex the other night made you feel awkward, even strengthing your disposition. We havent had sex in a month, and you were half asleep, and I could tell that your heart was not in it.
Its okay to be numb sometimes, just dont let it consume you. Dont think that its going to end up like all the other times either.
You used to be affectionate toward me and now you are not. Well, what can I say other than I still think that you can be. I have not changed in that respect, Im still the same guy that you fell in love with, only one thing has changed, you.
Something in you has changed. I think that it needs to be discovered what that is. Which is why I suggested talking to someone that is trained at understanding these things.
I will stay here in this apartment with you, as long as you want me to. If you feel like Im in the way of something or you and someone else, I will go.
Dont feel like Im not going to go even if you ask me to, Im not like that and you know.
Last night in my original letter(they are never as good as the original) I was asking things like if you were interested in someone else,if things would be different once I got my job. If you would like to sign up for a relationship person.
Have you lost respect for me?
Are you finding me unattractive?
These are the things that I was asking last night only structered alot better.
But since I dont have the time to go back over all of it, I have 13 minutes.
You know that I have loved you and still do no matter what has happened.
You have hurt me, in ways that I thought that you would never do,but, even still, I have always came back to acting out how I much I do love you.
How much I find you attactive, how wonderful you are as a person. I try to tell you that everday.
I asked you to stop telling me that you love when you dont feel that way. I dont think that its fair if you did.
I have set my own life back by a few years,gave up my career,thousands of miles and dollars to show you that I mean what I say.
If someone showed me as much action and support as I have shown you, I couldnt question my feeling for them.
This is why I cant unde

rstand the numbness. I just cant.
Wipe the slate clean and then maybe I could or should.
I tried thinking about your position last night and if I was in your position,concerned about the others well being because of a problem they had, but then made the change, I couldnt be harsh to them. I couldnt be numb. Because they have done so much that it would have to show something. Im not trying to make you feel guilty or anything like that, its just becoming more and more apparent that…well…its unfair to me and my self to have chosen what I have to have this end result.
If I went back to Chatt., I would probably move in with Miller again and be made fun of all the time, I would have no job, all those redneck friends of mine,(that are not actually my friends at all) trying to get me to drink, Beth would surely find me somehow, and it would totally suck.
But, with all that said, I still choose you, over everything.
Which brings me to this, my interview. If I get the job, do well at it, then we break up, what kind of life would I have here?
I would have no friends, I would not know anybody, live alone and just go to work?
What kind of life is that?
I dont know if I should try to do well at this or not. I really dont.
I dont have much time left, but understand that all of these things have put me in a world of stress and uncertainty. I am just sitting and waiting for you to come up with a verdict on what to do with our relationship, which is not the way to work things out. It takes two to make the one, and right now, the ball is in your court out of force and there is nothing that I can do. I feel helpless, and I dont like to feel that way. Honey, its a relationship, not a decision for just you to make. To not include me is once again not fair. I wanted you to get this much earlier in the day and now you are going to get it when I cant check on a response. Plus, the next time we communicate will be when I come and get you, so I know its not fair of me to be writing this now, but I have no choice.
I wanted you to send Alsie or someone that knows you a message by now so that we could have some progress, but it would seem to not be that way now.
I have to go, I love you so much and you know that, Im here for you, think so highly of you, feel for your numbness, and will do anything to get it right.
I dont want to lose the best person I have yet to know over something that can be easily approached in the right manner.
Bye
Muah!:)
Bobby

This is all just going horribly wrong.

Felina