And It Begins

I hope you all had a fantastic, fun-filled New Years.  At least, I hope that yours was more entertaining than mine.  Don’t get me wrong, my New Years was definitely eventful — the events were just more along the lines of those I would rather have not participated in.

The evening started out nice enough.  We both got all dolled up — he in a suit and myself in a dress.  We stopped at Sushi AI, which is only a couple of blocks from my apartment, for some California rolls, spicy tuna sashimi, and beef terriyaki (Bobby doesn’t eat fish).  After the light dinner, we headed downtown to Eden.  We hadn’t made any reservations, and I think that, deep down, I was hoping that we wouldn’t be able to get in anywhere.  I honestly would rather have been curled up on my couch, watching the anti-climactic Times Square celebration on the tube.   However, Eden was actually a great choice for the evening.  $49 at the door (usually a $20 cover) paid for all of our drinks — well, call, and even top shelf — as well as hors d’oeuvres and a bottle of champagne at midnight.  We didn’t even have to tip the waitresses.

We arrived fairly early, and since I’d been there before, I gave him the grand tour.  He loved the club because they primarily play his favorite music — techno, good techno.  As more people began filing in, I started to become nostalgic of New Years past with my closest friends, my brother and Becky, and even with David.  The girls dancing and laughing together, the couples who were obviously very much in love — it all began to hamper with my ability to have a good time.  The longer we stayed, the more sad I became and the more Bobby drank… and drank… and drank.  Before long, he was hanging on my arm, sappily looking into my eyes, and telling me he loved me every five minutes.  He continued to drink.  Once he was officially plastered, he thankfully quit drooling all over my outfit and decided to talk to every single human being that walked through the door.  I spent the majority of the night sitting in the corner, holding a bottle of champagne, and watching him make a fool of himself on the dance floor with a couple of glowsticks.  Mere minutes after the strike of midnight, I begged him to go home and he obliged.

As soon as we walked out the club doors, I made Bobby hand over the keys.  The entire drive home, he mumbled incessantly, senselessly.  Even when he did speak up, I couldn’t understand a word he was saying.  I had never seen him in a state like this.  When we got back to the apartment, he fell trying to get up the steps and ran into the wall once inside.  He stripped off his clothes in the dining room, and I put him to bed.  I stayed up a few minutes longer to eat a slice of cold pizza and smoke a cigarette.  I could hear him snoring all the way in the living room, and I was thankful that I’d be able to crawl into bed peacefully.  I was wrong.

As I inched under the covers, Bobby began to let out this guttural grunting sound.  I’d never heard anything like it.  Suddenly, he sat up and said, "I need food.  I need food!"  He sounded like a fucking caveman.  It was completely bizarre.  He got out of bed, and the events that ensued over the next two hours left me speechless.  I barely said two words to him Monday or Tuesday.  Then yesterday morning, Bobby sent me a message that opened the door for a much-needed conversation.  I think you’ll get the gist of what happened that fateful night from the conversation below:

Bobby:
So Im thinking that we get to take down the Christmas tree this weekend. What do you think of that?
My dad commented on what I said to him the other night, in my drunken blabber that I dont remember.
In so he put it that I need to "lay off the sauce for awhile,"only because I have never really done that before and is concerned about what is going on in my head.
How about that for a dad. Interestingly enough, he seems to think that all this free time on my hands is the cause of the outlash. I would agree but not entirely.

I read on your bullentin that you were going to the gym later. You already have one picked out huh?

What was your dream about last night? I saw the "flame" and thought to myself that you were on fire of somekind. You know the magic fire that doesnt actually burn you kind of thing.

Thor has told me that sending me my pillow is not a priority to him whatsoever. Which I knew that in the first place and the only reason why I mentioned it to him again is because I think that the steroid shot I had a year ago is begining to wear off. I couldnt really describe the pain to you or anyone, its one of those things where you would have to feel it to understand it. Go figure, another thing in life that is a personal experience. LOL!
Your cats are stranger than fiction when you are not here you know. I could write up a list of things that they do but only cameras would do the words justice.
LOL!
Bobby

Me:
Yeah, the tree needs to come down. I might do it tonight. I want to go to the gym, but with as much money as I spent yesterday, I should probably wait until Friday (payday) to sign up. I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet. I know I’m going to go to the Y, though. My company has a corporate membership there, so I’ll get a discounted rate with no signup fee. Plus, they have a lap pool.

Your dad’s not the only one concerned about what’s going on in your head, my dear. I don’t know how much of what you said the other night you actually remember, but you confessed a lot of things to me and your dad. It wasn’t a pretty sight. Unfortunately, it’s not the first time I’ve seen you like that since you’ve been here.

As for the dream, ‘flame’ referred to an old one. I had a strange dream about me going into the military and leaving David behind. I kept promising him that I would come back, but I never had any intention to. Some kind of weird role reversal. I don’t know. It was random.

Bobby:
What did I confess? I dont really remember what was said. I just remember eating something and feeling like shit the next day. And for all I know I felt embarrassed that I had said anything at all about how I feel or felt in the past at some point. Which I somehow feel that it has changed some of the ways I am viewed. I cant go back in time or anything like that. But I guess it I would chalk it up to the fact that if you are concerned about what is going on upstairs, I would expect you to ask and not to just sit and watch. We have always had that understanding between us, open and honest regardless what it was about. I have asked you some questions but I dont get any in return. Which would lead me to believe that you dont think that anything is wrong or you dont care. Either one is a logical approach to the lack of communication. That is the only thing that I can think of when it comes to viewing or reflecting on what ever possible thought process I was having at that time, in which it would seem to be an unconcious one, so

I can only assume what I was talking or thinking about in the first place.
So what the hell did I say anyways?
None of it comes to mind what-so-ever.
Bobby

Me:
Well, you told me why no one in your family really drinks. You told me about your uncle and said that you are following in his footsteps. You said that you think you might be becoming an alcoholic, which, quite honestly, I had already started to have suspicions of myself. When I asked you why you drink so much, you said it was only because you could. You sounded so proud that you could "drink anyone under the table."

I tried not to continue the conversation and go to bed, but you wouldn’t let me. I knew you were smashed, and you get really weird and talkative when you’re in that state. You kept coming in the bedroom and collapsing on me. When I would try to move you because I couldn’t breathe, you got mad at me and yelled at me for not wanting to talk to you about "your inner demons."

Soon, you started talking about your dad. You talked about how you hate him, because you will never live up to his standards. You kept walking back and forth between the kitchen and the bedroom. Everytime you walked in and out of the room, you slammed the door really hard. I asked you not to do that for fear of disturbing the neighbors, and you yelled some more that you weren’t slamming them in the first place.

At one point, I heard you talking on the phone. I got up, put my robe on, and came into the kitchen. That was when you were on the phone with your dad. You were telling him that he’d set impossibly high standards for you to meet and that you hated him for it. He hung up on you. It was about 4am their time when you called.

After you got off the phone, you just went off the deep end. You kept talking about how much of a failure you are. You said that everything you’ve tried to do, you’ve failed at. You started blabbing about going to jail, not having a wife and kids, your brother being a pro golfer, the fact you can’t invent Tyvek or whatever the fuck it’s called. You went on an on about how the only reason your parents had you was so that TJ would have someone to play with. Then you pouted.

I finally got tired of listening to it after about two hours. I told you that I’m not one to participate in someone’s pity party, and that the only person who can determine what your life is worth or what you make of yourself is you. I went back to bed, yet you continued to come in the bedroom, collapse on me, then get angry because I didn’t want to hear it. You’d slam the door yet again, and I’d have to get up and open it so the cats wouldn’t scratch on it. I can’t tell you how many times I had to do that Sunday night. Finally, after begging you to let me get some sleep, you left me alone.

You know, speaking from my own experience, when I drink (especially a lot), all of my true, deep-down thoughts and feelings come out. It seems like you have a lot of self-worth (among other) issues that you need to sort out. I haven’t brought any of this up because I wasn’t really sure what to make of it all. I can’t rationally discuss something with you when I don’t even understand how I, myself, am feeling. I’ve more than once been thrown for a loop by some of your recent actions and comments, and I felt like I needed to sort out my own thoughts first. I’d rather have an adult conversation about it all than spout off the first chance I get.

Bobby:
Well, that I did not know I did and I cannot say Im sorry about it enough. The fact is, is that those are the things I used to think about when I was in jail. All you have in there is your thoughts and and nobody to tell them to. I know from experience that it is the best way to at least resolve them to some degree. Not in the actual sense, but I think you know what I mean.
As far as the treating you like someone that doesnt care, I had no idea that I did those things to you at all, and if I could I would take it all back, yet I think that the damage has been done as far as what my so called "issues" are.
You know, I am once again ashamed of myself for that. I had no idea it went to that extent. I now feel as if I have put some sort of doubt in myself from you. I dont know how the hell you even put up with it that long. I would like to bury my head in the sand and just forget about the whole thing yet I know that you wont. And that bothers me to the amount of I had no intentions of that side coming out in front of you. Im not trying to hide anything by saying that…..you know what I mean. Which is why I have not and are not going to drink anything for a while and if and when I do, not get drunk like that. It bad news and everyone suffers, especially our relationship, and that is the last thing that I want to be affected by some piece of shit,benign little thing as being drunk off my ass. Which is terrible enough in itself.
I see why now the change the behavior from you. I completely understand. I could see how it would glaze your view of me over. It makes me sad actually. I dont know how to rectify this or make it right. But, then again I dont think that is something that I can do as far as your feelings toward me now, after seeing that.
I actually feel as if I hurt you in some way. And the bottom line is that if I was that drunk to treat someone that I love and care about so fully, like that, than I can only forsee where it would lead to in the future. Badly, in any case.
So in reaction to the last paragraph of the response, I gather that you are trying to reevaluate your overall feelings.
Correct?
Well, as I said, I dont remember any of that and that is no exuse at all to the actions already taken place. I see that the problem is that I need to lay off for awhile and have some self-control.
The part about saying some things that has put you in a loop I did not gather or make sense of. Is that the same night or something else?
You see, I need to be told right off the bat about that sort of thing, I have the northern attitude sometimes when I say something a certain way.I dont recongnize it when I do it and if not called upon I wont think about or what have you. My father and mother do the same thing, its very odd. All of us kids have that trait, its wierd I know.
But rest assured that I do intend to make those changes starting since yesterday. I also realize that it will probably take longer for you to feel comfortable around me again in the way that it was. I cant tell you how I wish that I didnt just snap off into lolla land that night.
So to sum up this attempt at an apology,
"I was an asshole drunk, and didnt know or realize the consequences that this would have on our relationship or you in the way that you view me."
I really didnt know all that came out. And I feel, once again, completely ashamed of the matter. You have no idea, I look up to you in a way and I feel as if I have disappointed you.
Bobby

Bobby:
Also, the part about the wife and kids, Ricky being a golf pro, Tj selling cars, all that shit is not what I wanted ever. Whenever we get together they bitch and moan about thier lives as if it was some burden to have. Which is why I dont understand why I would compare my life to thier’s. Ricky hates

his wife,she has cheated on him,children are spoiled little brats, and TJ has a wife that nobody likes and she doesnt respect him at all. Miller likes her because she makes fun of him in public. Niether one of those lives seems to be appealing to me at all. Which is why I guess they confide in me in that area. I have no kids, I have someone that loves me very much and is faithful, so they may view my life as a freedom in comparison to thier own.
I certainly dont want to have these behaviors to persist between us. I could tell a difference the very next day. All thanks to me of course but still, that is why Im going to change my behaviors. In the problematic areas obviously.
I’m so sorry honey, I just didnt know.
I love you just the same and hope that this has not…………..what ever word you want to put in there will work, Im at a loss of them because that is just indescrible how bad that feels inside me.
Sorry.:(
Bobby

Bobby:
One more quick question, what is Tammy talking about in her comments?
You are back and yes those are yours, we will have to put them back into practice before it is too late?
You dont have to tell me if you dont want to, just curious.

Me:
Our catch phrases. We were talking about them last night. I don’t want to talk about the other stuff right now or through email. We’ll talk when I get home.

Bobby:
Understandable. But at least read the messages and tell me what you think when you have a chance later.
I will guess that you already did. And it still doesnt change the fact that I love you and are extremely sorry about that poor exuse of emotion.

My feelings are officially out in the open.  He did not remember a single bit of this happening Sunday night.  That’s how drunk he was.  When I got home yesterday evening, we had a long talk.  We talked about this not being the first time he’s been in this state, why I was afraid to bring this all up to him, why he’s become this person, and the doubts and questions about our relationship that I now have filling my head.  Neither of us ever got angry.  He only got embarrassed over his own actions.  We took a break from talking and sat on separate ends of the couch.  After about an hour, he commented that it seems like I have no emotion.  I admitted that I don’t.  He asked me if I’m emotionless toward the relationship… or toward him.  I responded with, "I’m just numb."  He left the room for about an hour, and we didn’t talk much the rest of the night.  We both went to bed around 10pm, but we didn’t so much as let our legs brush against one another.  I knew we were both awake, and the silence was deafening.

This morning, he got out of bed a few minutes before me.  It was odd that he was even awake, so after my shower, I sat with him on the couch for a few minutes.  The first words out of his mouth were, "Are you breaking up with me?"  It caught me off guard, and I told him that I didn’t know yet what I really wanted.  You may have noticed in the emails above that he mentioned a MySpace comment from Tammy.  Yes, I did finally tell Tam about what has been going on, and yes, she did leave an unnecessary comment saying, "She’s back, she’s back, Rachel’s back!"  I’ll never understand why Tam feels the need to attack the guys I date.  Well, Tammy also apparently told Dava about the situation, and sometime last night Dava left a comment on my page saying that she’s glad I’m back and that I was never meant to be ‘domesticated.’  Brilliant.  My friends are absolutely brilliant.  Needless to say, the comment really hurt Bobby’s feelings.  He said it made him feel like all of my friends are in on this, and he’s the last to know.  I had to explain to him that I had only recently talked to Tammy about it and why.

Bobby also told me this morning that me saying I’m numb toward him hurt more than I’ll ever know.  I responded that I’m only being honest.  I explained that I don’t have the passion, the fire for our relationship that I used to, and that I don’t know if I’ll get that back.  He told me that he’s not drinking anymore and that he’s going to do everything he can to bring that passion back, but he also said that he doesn’t feel like I’m putting forth any effort.  I really don’t understand what he expects.  It’s only been a day since this all came out in the open!  I asked him if he’d ever been in my situation where he’d been madly in love with someone but some of their actions (or habits, as he calls them) made him lose his passion for the relationship.  He said yes.  I then asked if he was able to get it back.  He again said yes.  I don’t believe him because he’s obviously no longer with that person.  I, too, have been in this situation before, and once I went numb, I never regained that feeling.

I didn’t have the heart to say that this morning.  Just as his do, though, my actions speak louder than words.  I have a feeling that in a few days, I won’t have to say it. 

Felina