Conversations

Alsie and I have been writing back and forth all day.  I revealed some pretty heavy things to both her and myself, and I feel like continuing with the self-revelations.

Alsie (in response to my asking if she had responded to Bobby’s rude blog posting):
I posted a short reply. I didn’t want to talk too openly, but maybe he will respond to me! Have you brought it up to him?

Me:
No, I haven’t said anything to him about it. In fact, I he still hasn’t responded to my last text — after he accused me of calling him lazy. That’s not at all what I meant by that. I know what time he came to bed because it woke me up. That’s all I was trying to say.

I have this weird feeling that he’s not going to be there when I get home tonight. I don’t know why…

Alsie:
Where in the hell would he be?! Why would he not respond back to the text? Have you changed your myspace password?

Me:
I don’t know. I just get this weird feeling I’m going to have a ‘Dear John’ letter when I get home. I have no idea why I feel that way. He’s obviously really pissed off right now, though. And again, I have no idea why he hasn’t responded. He sometimes takes things I say the wrong way, so maybe that message just pissed him off more. Or hell, I could be completely wrong and he just went back to bed. Who knows?

I just now changed my password. Thing is my email is still open at home. All he’d have to do is re-request it. However, I just set my IM to pop up a notification when I get a new email. If he does that, I should be able to intercept it.

Alsie:
And where in the hell is he going to go, dude? He is living with YOU…..and, I’m sorry, but if that’s the case, you need to let his ass walk. Okay, that’s easier said than done, but that’s how I feel. You never answered my question…do you want to make it work. 

Me:
If he were to leave, it would only take him an hour to pack up his stuff. He doesn’t have much. He has a Halo buddy here, or he could just drive back home. But yes, if he walks, he walks. I’m not going to stop him.

As for if I want to try to make it work, I guess I just gave you the answer with the above paragraph. I don’t know that I have it in me. I don’t think I’m ever again going to feel that beautiful contentment that he and I shared. Especially since things have gotten entirely out of hand. Yes, I know that’s partially my fault for not immediately opening up about my feelings.

I want to feel that head-over-heels, butterflies-in-stomach love that I felt before. But like I’ve already said, I’ve seen this darker side of him, and I think my heart’s been contaminated.

Alsie:
Uh, no, it’s not partly your fault. Obvisouly, he doesn’t feel like he has a problem, since he does it daily. Yes, you should bring it up now. But, if I were in your place, I would hold onto hope that things would get better, and probably make up all kinds of excuses for him. He’s in a new place, with no job, and no friends. And, I’m sure that all of those things have crossed your mind. Now that you know that this isn’t just passing thing, you know that it is time to bring it up.

Rachel, I have seen you in relationships and been through a lot of relationships with you, and I have never seen you care for someone as much as you cared for David. I’m NOT the one to be giving advice here, because I felt the same way for my David. For me, the ending of that relationship and the feelings that came with it were devistating. I don’t know if I’m not ready or if I’m not willing to give my heart away like that again….i’m confused, and I have a feeling that you feel much the same way.

Me:
Yeah, you got me. Alsie, I still think about that fucker every day. My heart breaks a little everytime his name or face flash in my mind. And why? For a little while, it didn’t hurt. I think it was because I was so angry with him. Now that the anger has passed, I’m just filled with this deep sense of loss. I really don’t believe that he intentionally hurt me, but he did.

When I saw his name light up on my phone the other day, I wanted so bad to answer it immediately. I got that familiar feeling of excitement, and I suddenly had this fleeting hope that his intentions were more meaningful than just ‘calling to check up on me’. I’ve been lying to everyone — most importantly, myself — by saying that I don’t still love him. I do. I just don’t want to.

When I did finally talk to him, though, It felt so good just to hear his voice. It had been about four months since I’d talked to him. I don’t know that I’ll ever be over him. I was fully committed to him and wanted to be for the rest of my life. I just hope that his memory won’t forever keep me from being able to commit to anyone else.

Alsie:
You say that when you talk to him, he sounds sad. Has he mentioned anything to you about seeing you again? I hope it doesn’t either, but maybe you should just date around until you feel as though you are ready for another relationship. I hate this. I know how you feel, buddy, and it sucks. Wonder if Bobby has read my comment yet?…..

Me:
Just after I started dating Bobby, he said something about seeing me. He knew I used to fly to Pittsburgh for work, and he told me that if I had time, he’d like to get together for dinner. I told him that I didn’t think I’d be able to. When I was in Pittsburgh, I was at the hospital from 5am to 9pm. Doesn’t leave much time for socializing. Besides, I was scared to death of what emotions would come flooding back if I actually saw him in person. Still, though, I told him I’d call him if I actually made it up to PA, but I never did. Shortly after, I found out about this job, and the possibility of seeing him again vanished.

When I talked to him the other day, he didn’t necessarily sound sad, but he sounded glad to talk to me. He asked me about mom and dad, we talked about you coming to visit, what I think of the city, that sort of thing. I hinted about being lonely because it’s hard to make friends when you don’t work in a bar. He told me about Mika, his mom, his house. He’s tired of Pennsylvania and thinks he’ll sell within the year. Again with the fleeting hopes…

I doubt Bobby’s read your comment. I haven’t seen him online.

Alsie:
Well, at least the two of you can still talk. If you didn’t care about each other, you wouldn’t stay in touch. Does Bobby know that you talked to him, what you talked about, etc? I’m sure that didn’t go over too well. If he’s jealous of a co-worker, I can only imagine how he feels about David.

If he did get your password, he probably won’t reply to me, or if he does, it will be short.

Me:
No, I didn’t even tell Bobby about him calling. I didn’t think it would go over well, either, and it really was just an innocent conversation. Besides, he talks to or plays Halo with that ex-girlfriend of his just about every day. And she really has tried to break us up. Every time she talks to him

, she tells him she loves him and tries to get him to say it back. Weird, I tell you.

But, yeah, if he’s read any of our convos, he may not respond to you at all. I seriously doubt he’s been online, though. I’ve been continuously checking all day.

Alsie:
We’ll know if he doesn’t respond or if he’s short that he read them. I hate to say that, but he always talks to me….at length. And what about all those liquor bottles on his profile pic? Was that all his doings? I noticed the Jack…….

Me:
Yep, those were all his doings. I have no idea why he changed his picture to that. That pic was taken at his old place in Chattanooga. It’s obvious that this has been going on for awhile. The reason I suspect he’s gotten into my account is because in his ‘rant’, he referred to his own ‘habits’. That’s what he calls the pot, pills, and drinking — habits. I hate to tell him, but these aren’t habits. They’re addictions.

Alsie:
I thought the same thing when I read it. Either that, or he realizes what you are pissed about. I’m sure that shit is going to hit the fan tonight. He is pissed, which confuses me, because you should be the one thats pisssed…but, hell, who knows? No word from him yet?

Me:
Nope, no word. I have my cell sitting right next to me, and he has yet to respond to my message this morning. I’m dreading going home. I really hate ugly confrontations, and I’m terrified that’s what’s going to happen. Ah, well. I’m going to have to deal with this sooner or later. I guess I’ll opt for sooner. And I really wanted it to be a peaceful Christmas…

Alsie:
I feel like if it is put off any longer, it most defnitely will get ugly. Let me know what happens.

Me:
Will do, buddy. Thanks for talking to me all day. I needed it. 🙂

Joy.
Felina