11/30/2012**

i feel like i’m running straight into a brick wall, only to get up and do it again, and again..

isn’t that the definition of insanity? doing something over and over, hoping the result will be different?

i really don’t get it. i mean, we did everything “right” – jeff went to college. he graduated and got that fancy $30,000 piece of paper that does nothing more than look official on our shelf.. and luckily he could do it with very little debt..

we paid off all our debts (we do, admittedly, have a couple very small things left, about $200 in total, and student loans) and cut up all our credit cards… we live in a cheap area and barely warm the house over 60 degrees because it saves on money..

and yet, 2 years later, jeff still can’t find a job, and it’s not like he’s not trying, or hasn’t applied in other places besides this area..

i’m killing myself to work a stupid job from home just to make a little extra money without having to pay for daycare for jace..

and the car keeps breaking down? why is my $4000 investment in a fleet car breaking down so much?

what drives me nuts is we have THREE vehicles. the scooter, which can’t be used after about october and is breaking down itself anyway, the green car which has been parked at the hotel for over a year because we can’t afford what it needs, and the silver one that inexplicably keeps having issues and i have no idea why.

it’s incredible how much we need that car. i can’t take my son to the doctor, i can’t get myself to my weekly appointments, i can’t go to the hospital when i have this baby, i can’t drive up to get my work so i can make a measly extra MAYBE $100 next month to help keep our heads above water, jeff won’t be able to make it to work.. he can’t even ride the bus because he works grave and it doesn’t run at night.

i get that things are hard for everyone, i really do, and that makes me want to beat my head against a wall all the more. this isn’t the life i remember thinking about when i was a kid. i feel like i’ve been cheated out of the chance to make anything out of myself. we were told to go to college like good little students and the good jobs would present themselves. they don’t.

that piece of paper is worth entirely nothing unless you’re an engineer or something on that level.

i don’t like having to ask for help and i don’t like having to live on government assistance. i want jeff to be able to find a good job, start learning, start progressing, and make the money we need on our own. we’re trying so, so hard to do that, and it’s like there’s an invisible field in the way.

**************

i thought an exercise in thankfulness might make me feel better.

1. our washer and dryer still work.

2. we actually have a dishwasher. this will be invaluable with a toddler and new baby.

3. we have parents that help us out as much as they can.

4. jeff HAS a job, and it’s fairly certain to not go anywhere/close down/etc.

5. jace is adorable. 🙂

6. we actually HAVE a roof.

7. we have pretty much everything we could need for a new baby.

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