Fight or Flight

One Day at a Time

I’m in a constant state of "fight or flight". It used to seem situational, but if it’s indeed simply situational these days then I’m in a very bad perpetual situation without end. I have gotten no more than 5 hours of sleep the last 6 nights. One or two nights I only got 3-4 hours. Work is too much, it’s too crazy. I’m in constant fear of my department manager confronting me . . . he has this weird way of doing it, and it seems to happen more and more lately. I’ve talked to others and he does them the same way, so it’s not just me. I think I’m learning what the problem is. Expectations. His expectations of me are too high. He asks me to do the difficult and hard crap because he knows I have a good work ethic. The only problem is, if I don’t finish the task, even if I work my ass off the whole time, he will confront me about it the next time I see him. "Tell me what happened with the movie reset." Or, "Tell me about that phone contract you did the other night." It all just seems cryptic and I hate the way he brings it up. I don’t know why I fear it so. I never get in real trouble. I simply say "Larry, you know I always do the best I can." He claims to only want information from me, but the whole process for me is just as bad emotionally as getting written up. I guess I need to grow up . . . or grow a spine. It’s just his style. I hate it but I got to deal with it, you know?

OK, I got off track . . . where was I? Yeah, it’s not just work though. I can’t seem to relax. Ever. I try but I can’t do it. I used to be able to. It seems to have gotten worse and worse, but it’s always been there. It has always been there, although I feel it may be exacerbated by two major things in my life right now, 1) a huge sense of dissatisfaction with where I’m at in life right now, particularly career wise, and this makes me feel not so comfortable in my own skin, and 2) the day to day nature and stress of the job . . . stress that I am told I place on myself but for some reason it comes so naturally to me I feel like it’s placed on me, that I don’t have a choice in the matter. So it has gotten worse, but it’s always been there. I lay down at night to sleep and I try my damnedest to relax but I am jolted awake . . . by a thought, by a jolt through my nerves, or by a sudden unexplainable release of adrenaline (or maybe cortisol). This last sensation is strange . . . it’s like having a panic attack accept there is no psychological trigger. The trigger is physical. The physical symptoms come first (hear rate increases, adrenaline surges, etc), and only after that, only then does my brain start to panic. It seems backwards. Most people . . . I mean, the way it’s supposed to be is your brain controls your body, not your body controlling your brain, right? It’s the same way when I am around a girl I’m attracted to, or an ex whom I still have feelings for, etc. Doesn’t make a damn bit of difference what I CHOOSE to think about her. Doesn’t make a damn bit of difference what I think. There is no thinking. It’s all physical . . . heart rate increases, turn red, get nervous, etc. The physical comes first. It’s gut level reaction, it’s a physical reaction that I have ZERO control over. Sleep is the same way. Anxiety is the same way. It seems systemic. Constitutional to my very core. It’s physical. Centered in the brain perhaps, but the lower part. Not the reasoning/rational part. Because I can’t think my way or self talk my way out of feeling like I do.

I’ve heard of people who have biochemical (or even structural problems) with parts of their brains. On of my ex girlfriends had one such problem. She said something about one part of her brain being shaped differently, and also that she was always in "fight or flight" mode. Always. I’m not sure if the two conditions were the same, related, or separate. But I may have such a condition myself. It’s no damn wonder I drank all those years. I wanted the "ease and comfort" that alcohol provided. I was self medicating. I was sick of the worry, anxiety, fight or flight, heart racing, panic attacks. Sick of it. I just want to fucking relax? Can I just fucking relax and catch a break for once?

I cannot sleep for more than 4 or 4.5 hours without waking up. It’s amazing. Like clockwork, I will wake up almost exactly 4 hours after I fall asleep. Then after that it’s a 50/50 crap shoot as to whether I will be able to fall back asleep, or whether I won’t and I will just have to get up and start my day. I used to only have trouble getting to sleep, but never any trouble staying a sleep, sleeping as late as I wanted. These days I have both problems . . . having trouble going to sleep AND trouble staying asleep. Also, I grind my teeth when I sleep, apparently. I was just about to slip off to sleep last night when I bit my inner lip and brought myself back from the brink (of sleep). I already have one mouth ulcer. I get these mouth sores. Not too often these days, but usually they start after I have dental work, or after I bite my lip or inside my cheek. They last for about a week or two then they disappear. Canker sores, I guess you call them. Don’t confuse these with Cold sores (which are outside the mouth). I haven’t had a single cold sore in my life (I think cold sores are caused by Herpes virus, not sure). But I’ve always had mouth ulcers from time to time. So, anyhow, I just bit my lip again today so I will probably have another sore pop up before this other one heals. I can’t remember having two of these sores at the same time. In fact, this current one is the first one in probably a year or so, or at least in several months.

I think I would do better to live on my own. I hate living with my parents because they wake me up when they knock around early in the morning, and I like to sleep in . . . until noon, if I don’t have to be at work (I have to sleep in late to get enough sleep since my body won’t let me fall asleep early at night). Also, it’s harder to nap during the day living here (on the days/times when I am here to nap and not at work). My dad goes to work but mom works at home (piano teacher). Try smoking on that pipe, will you? Imagine trying to sleep while the piano is playing constantly in the background. Geez. Sometimes I think I would have a greater level of sanity if I lived on my own. But I remind myself that I wouldn’t be able to save as much money and I realize that would have a negative impact on my sanity as well. I really don’t think $18,000 annual wages are enough to live on my own. It’s above the poverty line, apparently, but I still think I’d have to live in a pretty ghetto place in order to afford to live on my own. I’m full time now though, so it’s much more plausible than it used to be only a short time ago.

As for my anxiety, worry, and stress, I may eventually break down and see my doctor.  I do have medical insurance now.  May as well take advantage of it.  I am kind of against taking meds (assuming that’s what the doc would have me try), but I don’t know why.  I sure did love medicating myself with alcohol all those years,

and I still self medicate with nicotine, caffeine, and sugar to this day.  So, why not pills?  I know they wouldn’t give me real nerve pills though . . . benzos or whatnot.  That stuff is addictive.  Knowing my alcohol history, the doc would probably go for something like an antidepressant (other than the one I’ve already tried), or perhaps at least a sleeping pill of some kind to help me sleep.  He would probably also recommend counseling/therapy but the problem is I don’t want to pay for it.  Mental health may be covered on my plan, but I’d have to go to an approved provider (not the councilor I went to before).  I don’t know.

As for the alcohol . . . I’d rather suffer like I am now than suffer because of the alcohol.  It’s not worth it.  I am strong.  I have no desire to self medicate that way again.  And of course self medicating became full blow alcoholism for me.  It’s not an option for me anymore, and that’s fine.

-AR

PS:  Spell checker doesn’t work if you use the wrong word, of course . . . or if you skip words.  I noticed a couple mistakes of this nature when I reread the entry . . . for example, using the word "on" when I meant to use "one".  Oh well, it’s late and I’m tired.  Hopefully you can understand what I’m saying without expecting it to be corrected.

PPS:  After having worked six straight days of full shifts, I now get two out of the next three days off.  This is a good thing.